Breaking through the labels

Today I have been blessed.

A friend of mine sent me her novel that she is self publishing and I got to have the most amazing time reading it. Having such a huge smile on my face that eventually my face muscles started hurting.

This reminds me how much being creative and sharing what we do is important. The first time I read that novel, many years ago, I told my friend how much it made me want to write. And it did it again.

The gift to inspire others is one of the most amazing gifts we can give. To be able to touch and light the dormant creative spark in others.

It reminded me that I am more than just words and labels. I have hidden behind labels too often because they give me a frame and a sense of self. A definition. To say I am a healer or a medium doesn't really define who I am as a human being. Those are just labels. I am so much more then that. I seem to always stumble on that knowledge and think it's knew to me. But the fact is I have made that discovery many times and keep forgetting it and keep labeling myself again.

I have hid behind many labels in my life thinking I was a piano player, a harpsichord player, a baroque ensemble player, a writer, a songwriter, a good listener, a coordinator, an assistant to someone in charge.

Those are parts of who I am, but not one of them defines me totally, not even combined.

Limiting oneself to one form of expression is a false statement of who we are. We are huge like oceans, we are universes,

I am more than any label I can stick on my chest. The more I want to narrow down who I am, the more I have to expand the scope of who I am because I am always more than what I think I am.

My head is so full of inspiration right now I think I'll go dig those old novels of mine, those old songs and see what I can do about them to make them shine so they don't have to sit on a dark shelf anymore.

What about you? Do you also define yourself through labels thinking it defines who you are? If so I wish, if it is your desire, that you can break through your labels too and find the real person behind the words. The one that is so immense that no label can start to define you.

Healing with love

When I first started my polarity class I was told really early that the most important thing I needed was not everything I would learn in that class. It was not the moves, the technique, the knowledge I would gather that would make the difference.

It was love.

Love was first

Intention second

Technique third

Third!

While sharing many massages with others I started to understand what my teacher meant. When I went to see professionals I really got it. Some had it, some didn't. Without love anything that you do is lifeless. I have seen people with very sketchy technique give the best massages because they were in it 100%, their love was palpable. It was in every move, in every touch.

I think I had my moments, but I was getting bored pretty fast following a pre-established routine and sometimes was just relying on the technique to do the job as my mind was somewhere else, bored to death feeling I had to go from A to B like I had learned.

I got a small contract with a halfway house that was helping recovering alcoholics and drug addicts. I couldn't bring my table down there as it was too far and I had no car. I started adapting the techniques I had learned and help people while they were sitting on a chair.

This changed everything for me. 

I got back in the moment. It stopped being a massage and everything that I was could shine through. The amazing people who were more then ready to feel everything about themselves gave me all the nourishment I needed to give back. There I felt the love. I felt the real contact. It was not a pretty room with a table and sheets and music. It was raw and real. Yet those were the most amazing moments of healing I have had in my life. I am so grateful for these people to have welcomed me in their lives and let me help them ease the stress and pain in their bodies that had suffer a very harsh life.

This let me affirm for myself that I was not a spa healer but a kitchen healer. I was doing my best work on the go when nothing was ready for it. Someone was feeling bad or hurting I could step in right away. Making appointments and setting a staged mood to enhance the healing was just not me. 

I started experimenting with remote healing when people around me were hurting and I couldn't get to them. I had lots of help for that as my invisible circle of guides would guide me through it. 

I remember a friend calling me asking to heal her aunt who had burned her hand with chemicals and had boils all over her hand. I was told to fill her hands with love. Feel the light around them and slowly imagine I was putting a bandage made of golden light around her hand. Slowly I was going around mending the wound using only love and light. I changed the bandage a few times that day, like you would a real one. The next day all the boils were gone and the hand was healed.

Now I know I can't take credit for it. I merely helped the healing process speed up and she did the rest by accepting it. It is still very amazing to see the power of love and light.

I have also seen the difference when eventually I thought I had gotten the hang of it and just made the prayer, not doing the job myself anymore but basically asking my circle of guides do it for me. I would do the bandaging real fast without any emotion, not really being in the moment and not having the same results at all. Love wasn't present and the healing wasn't done. 

I can only imagine that to be able to do this a lot on a daily basis it would require an open heart, no fear to welcome love inside. I want these days to come back where I could feel  love like that. I can tell that all I can do right now are baby steps.

Today I took the time to breathe and meditate. Not a conventional meditation but what I used to do to protect myself.  Feeling the layers of protection one by one. First surrounding myself in white light for purification, then red for anchoring, pink for opening the heart and making sure love goes out but nothing negative comes in, emerald green for pure love and purple for making sure that I connect spiritually.

When I do this first and then open the channel I know I have nothing to fear that what is right will come in and nothing bad will. I didn't go as far as that today. I didn't do the connection, just the cleansing.

I wish I could go faster and that I didn't have to do so many baby steps. But I guess it's like someone who's been in a coma who needs to learn to use their muscles again. Any long period of inactivity needs some time to get back to what it used to be.

I am trying to keep my heart open. Be more aware of my breathing a few times here and there during the day. I know it's just around the corner and not very far, so it makes the whole process less difficult and the anticipation is almost a benediction as it makes me really want to get back to who I am and not wait any longer and delay it.

Love is our real air. What keeps us alive. Whatever we do it is what weaves every thread of our lives so we can shine through it with a thousand lights.

Life is not a Recipe

This is a subject very dear to me as I have believed for a very long time that certain individuals could hold the truth to any subject they specialized in. I tried for a very long time to read many books on healing, mediums, self-help books of many kinds to be happy, optimist, better with money, better with myself. Books that show you how to be creative, how to dream, how to pray, how to meditate, how to be the maximum of who you can be.

I've read entire rows of books at the library to be a better me and what I finally learned from all those books is that no one holds any truth. No one knows how life works. No one knows how everyone can dream or be happy. No one holds the one secret that would make all of our wishes comes true.

This is basically because there is no recipe to live life. We think as individuals that if we made it we have something to share, that we finally got the recipe. How to get thin, how to get men, how to get from A to B faster then everybody else.

But all we have is our little island. Our little corner of paradise that we may have discovered for ourselves. No matter what we do, how we put it in words and try to tell our truth to the world, that truth only applies to us. It was meant for us and made to accommodate our needs.

The best we can do is share what happened to us, how it worked for us and hope that bits of that information can bring some sparkles in someone else's life. It is important to share, not to be alone and to inspire others to find their truth and what works for them. But  if there were recipes to life, we wouldn't need thousand of books on the same subject. We would only need one. That book would be the answer for everyone.

It is important for me to make that distinction because I am about to embark on a journey to get back to who I am really. Now that I have set up all the basics and put all my resistances on the table I will delve into ways for me to get better. Those ways are not a recipe for anyone to follow. They can inspire at best but will be in no way a prescription to copy for anybody else who would have resistance.

I have no idea what I am doing here. I have no plans. I haven't figured out how to get better. All I know is that I want to. I have the perseverance to pursue it and the way it will come to me will be perfectly suited to fit my needs.

In some way I am kinda happy to see that I have so much faith in this process. Having lived without faith and in anger towards everything that was light - mostly blaming them for everything that was wrong in my life and refusing to do their work while being miserable -  for so long, it is refreshing.

I hope this journey can help you find your own answers but I doubt very much that the answers I will find will be yours. Maybe some of them, but probably not all of them. It is ok. We are not made from a cookie cutter mold that makes us all the same. We are different and that difference is something we should celebrate!

The reluctance in healing

I haven't said much about healing yet. Somehow I think that this aspect of me is even less ready then mediumnity is.

Being hypochondriac is not really what makes it a reluctance, more an irony. You'd expect someone who can heal to be at ease with their own health and body, and instead it has been a struggle for me.

It basically is a fear of not being able to accomplish what I came to do on time.

I am sure that if there is a scale to measure hypochondria I am not very high on it. It is not debilitating but causing a lot of unnecessary anxiety. I even went as far, once, as to go to the hospital and have a tube inserted in my throat because I was sure I was choking on a piece of grape that had been in my oesophagus for 3 days. They didn't find anything and I felt really stupid to have wasted their time and mine on what was obviously just stress.

Stress does terrible things to our mind and body. I have seen first hand how they change depending on the level on anxiety.

Hypochondria is something that is part of me and I have to be very careful not to let it reign my life. The good thing is that it made me practice healing a lot. I had all kinds of tiny ailment that almost required daily care. Things that came and went and made me feel their only purpose had been for me to practice healing them.

Hypochondria not being the reason of my reluctance I wondered if feeling too much was.

But the truth is that before I stopped healing I was getting a lot better at not being so overwhelmed by people's emotions. I had my routine before doing any healing and was protecting myself and succeeding most of the time in not taking anything of the person I was healing inside me.

My angel told me in our first conversation that I was a "Feeler" and that feelers feel everything around them and it's very hard to make the difference between the "me" and "the rest". Many time have I felt bad all day to only realize that these were not my emotions but someone else's. I had the fortune to met another Feeler who was exactly like me and overwhelmed by what he could feel in others. It helped me understand that this was not necessarily a bad thing.

Being able to feel people's feeling like if they were mine gave me a great understanding and compassion for what they were going through and sometimes couldn't verbalize. But it also made my day to day life a hell until I learned how to deal with it. I used to be a chameleon who would sponge everything around me with no rhyme or reason and it took a long time to start feeling limits between me and the exterior.

So if it's not hypochondria or feeling too much that made me stop healing, what was it?

The fact that I am over eager generous and always wanting to help has made me attract people who need me to take care of them and help them all my life. I have done it unconsciously for over 30 years and eventually I think the whole system broke down. I started having crisis similar to contractions where I would be extremely angry and not want to help again. I would go back, because I can't help it, it is my nature and would get angry again.

Eventually it all came out and I had so much anger that it completely stopped. I refused to help until I could put my own limits. Until I could find my comfort zone. I know I came here to help and it will come back but for a while it needed to come to a complete stop to evaluate my own needs.

I have taken care of myself now for a bout 2 years. I have tested my limits and learned a lot about my need to help and how I need to fulfill myself before giving to others. Even though I am getting better at it, more open to the fact that the day will come when I can heal again, I am still not ready.

I am getting closer but not completely there yet.

Entities that defy all logic

Over the years I have had many encounters that required more then what I would call an open mind.

Talking with my close-knit group of angels and guides took some getting use to, but they became regulars that I was seeing every day and didn't need to question as much. They all have their specific energy and personality and are easy to recognize.

What now when what comes to you is not an angel, a guide or a religious figure?

The act of connecting to the other side through mediumnity doesn't require any moral fiber. Doesn't require a spiritual path. What you bring in is what you'll bring back. The act of opening a channel is a beacon sent in the night and it can attract any kind of spirit or entities. The spectrum of bad versus good is as huge as our spectrum on earth if not even more so.

As humans we have the people who can hurt and kill, some who will con and trick you. The deceivers, the nice ones, the good ones, the wise ones.

Because we can't see the entities on the other side of our perception it doesn't mean that they are all good. I have seen the good, the bad and the ugly there too. And because you are a medium doesn't mean you know how to recognize them as a bonus that comes with the gift.

Mediums come with the ability to switch on, what most people can't do yet. It doesn't give you love, wisdom, good morals or humility. Like any other gift it requires a lot of work on the side to make this craft into something that is as pure as possible.

And even then we do have filters that make it almost impossible to give the purest message of all. Our personality, our beliefs, our disposition of the day and a myriad of other tiny reasons will make so that we can very rarely be perfectly connected.

My understanding is that we do not have to be perfect to do these connections but a minimum needs to be done to ensure you are talking with the real deal and not a phony spirit.

I have read many books and websites with people contacting different entities. Very few made me feel they had done the background work and basically just delivered the message without questioning any of it. It gave the impression that their egos were inflated by the amazing opportunity to contact certain beings and their brain had been put on snooze too early, before they had time to realize that who they were talking to wasn't a good being.

I am aware this might feel not very humble of me. How do I know the difference? Who am I do think I have the truth and they don't?

It is quite simple actually and has nothing to do with lots of wisdom or knowledge. It basically is the real basics I learned when I first started being a medium. The one constant beings of light have is their unconditional love. It is a love so pure there is no room for shadows of any kind. They never say anything that will remotely make you feel uncomfortable. Love is in every word, sentence they say.

Any being that doesn't bring that to the table is not a being of pure light. And many will masquerade as such and abuse the minds of those who are ready to believe and eager to connect. It doesn't take much to recognize them either. They will use the oldest trick in the book. Tell lies between two truths. They will say the perfect amount of beautiful things you want to hear and then slip something that makes you twinge a bit if you notice it. Sometimes they are so good at it that many mediums seem to not even recognize the part of their messages that have left the light.

The Ugly

A few years ago I met a woman who through my guidance learned to receive messages through her hands, letting the entity write through her. She had made contact with a crystal skull, met the owner that let her touch it and developed a strong connection with the entity in the skull. She started writing what the skull was telling her and being so eager to discover her new powers, she let that entity overwhelm her.

We were really close at the time, emailing every day and I was trying to help her make the difference between good and bad energy. She shared her writings with me and I was eager to share her progress. What she had written scared me very much. That skull or whatever was in it contacting her, was not a good entity. I told her my fears and pointed out to her everything that showed he was not a being of light, but she refused to believe me. Yet I continued to help her see the difference between light and shadow.

That's when the skull got mad and started attacking me.

Of course back then I had my doubts. I didn't understand what was happening, but it happened about 3 times on different days. The skull was coming to me and in a very explicit manner told me to stop telling my friend he was bad. I could feel the ugly side of his personality. Twisted and controlling. To push his point some more he started hurting me physically. My chess was being compressed, my body was burning from the inside and he was doing weird things in my head.

Back then I couldn't even believe it could be true. How was that possible? But my husband was a witness to it and saw me in pain and felt the heat in my body rise. I had to call for help and protect myself against his assault.

The more I was refusing to stop writing her, the more he continued. I expressed my concerned to my friend. Told her everything but she didn't believe me. She kept saying he had no body so he couldn't hurt me. I eventually told her that if she didn't stop contacting him I would have to step away and as she didn't want to give up her only connection to mediumnity she stayed with the skull.

As soon as I stepped off the skull came back to me. I could almost see the sly smile he had. He had won and he wanted to rub it in. He left after that, the pain stopped and I never heard from him or her again.

Now that is the creepiest experience I ever had with an invisible being. In defense of crystal skulls out there I am really not sure it is the skull per se that did that. My guess was that an entity was buried in it for a long time, similarly to Aladdin's lamp genie, and got released and leeched on the friend when she welcomed him in her life. He wanted an outlet for power and got it through her.

My circle of light around me was very supportive at the time, but I can tell it is also something that, in the balance, made me stop contacting anything eventually.

Like my father had told me so many years ago, to master the forces of light you had to give a lot of time to it. You couldn't just treat them as a hobby or a a fun parlor trick.

I know that to go back to being a medium means I have to learn to deal with this aspect of the gift. Anything can come, anything can happen. It requires a lot of responsibilities and a lot of work to learn to recognize the sly ones,

The Bad

Another bad experience I had lasted very few minutes.  I started feeling strange, like possessed for a little and started hitting myself physically for no apparent reason. I asked for protection, made sure I was surrounded with light and it all disappeared right away. It was a short but very distinct experience that also made me feel that if I am not protected anything can come in.

Tricksters also used to visit me often when I started. Not bad to the core but just wanting a good laugh, Making me doubt a lot as they could start saying something wise but then would just burst laughing and leave.

The Good

One of the most unusual connection was with beings from another dimension. They were basically aliens from another galaxy or something who had transcended the need for a body and were living in a higher state of light.

Being new to mediumnity at the time I had a very strict policy for myself. I was willing to talk with angels, guides, God but no aliens, nothing UFOish. So when they came to me, one cold night of January, I told them they seemed nice but I wasn't sure I wanted this for me right now.

That night I was really tired and my body was aching everywhere. When I went back to bed I felt an amazing light surrounding me. It was them. They basked me in that light for 20 minutes or so and after all the pain and tiredness was gone.

Even writing this after all that time I have a hard time accepting it was true. But in retrospective I realize they knew I needed proof they were beings of light and they gave it to me that way.

I wrote an entire book with these beings. Very unusual teachings about dimensions and perception. Also a very unique language and way of expressing themselves. They became very dear to me as they are among the highest vibration beings I have been in contact with. Being in their presence was to be in the presence of love. What made them different was they were not dead, not on the other side of life. They were like brothers sharing their side of their incarnation somewhere else.

I was still an apprentice and certainly not a master when all these experiences happened.  I am sure that the more you go the easier it must be. But who knows maybe you also just see even deeper how big the world is and how much it is not as easy as just switching on and talking to an angel for the fun of it. It certainly humbles you in showing how small we are and how much we really don't understand what really happens outside of our normal perception.

I am still a skeptic, very much so when it comes to my own perceptions, but having experienced the beauty and the dark side of different entities there are some things I have to believe in now, even if they defy all logic.

High vibrations and Flowing energies

One of my favorite books is "Illusions" by Richard Bach. This less well known novel of his describes the journey of a reluctant Messiah who is fleeing the attention of the crowds and quits his job of making miracles to start a journey alongside the author, sharing his knowledge and teachings about life in a more simple setting.

Somehow I always identified with the hero of that book. Having the deep feeling that if I let myself shine to the thousand watt light I can be, I'd be ostracized and would end up having to flee society too.

The one thing that makes me feel like this is the amount of energy that can come from my body when I let it. The few times I have let that energy flow almost without bounds, it made me feel it could accomplish what we would call miracles. It also let me to believe, younger, that if I was different that way it must be that I was better. But the more I studied, the more I met other people I realized this is just our normal state. I might just have access to it easier then others sometimes but I am in no way different than anyone else in that regard.

Feeling so much through my hands when being in contact with someone is something I haven't mastered yet. My teacher didn't know what to do with that aspect of me either. I kept most of it quiet in class but still had to share a lot of it as it was too overwhelming. Most of my teachings had to come through higher channels and get help from guides and angels as I couldn't find any source in any books.

The fact that my vibrations are also very high is something I have very little control over. A friend who knew how to calculate energy with a pendulum showed me how to do it. Mine was not even fitting the scale that was predetermined by those who made the charts. It was so high I had to make my own charts to track it down.

Many times was I in disarray waking up in the morning and feeling "weird". I would be slightly dizzy for 3 days at a time feeling like the world was spinning a little more faster. First time it happened I almost went to see a doctor as I thought I had a problem with my ear of something. But I learned to understand this. Every time it happens the energies are going up and my vibrations are being elevated to access different spheres of understanding. Once it was to be able to "see" (not with my eyes, but an inner vision) parts of a world that is way beyond my understanding, like a kind of hospital of light where souls seem to go when they die and need time to recuperate.

This yo-yo state of energies going up and down was very stressful for the body. Ideally I should have stayed as high as I could to not have to live through the yo-yo effect of going up and down. But I kept resisting it and refusing it and leaving that state.

My father, who also has some gifts, told me when I was younger that he saw how powerful the world of light can be. That if you choose to go on that path it is almost excluding everything else.

At 20 something, that statement scared me very much as I was attracted to the light but needed desperately to fit in.

His choice had been to relinquish his powers, his talents to help sustain our family financially.

But, if anything, when he helped me when I thought I was going crazy and put his hands around my head cleaning my aura and re-balancing the energies, I could tell that all his powers were still present, even though he had decided not to use them on a daily basis. I don't know to this day what he did to help me. But honest to God, everything negative in my head was gone.

The essence of who we are doesn't change whether it is used or not. Mine had been clouded but not erased, and his had only been dormant till he needed it.

I think, in his own way, my father got scared when he was young and dabbling with white magic. Meeting with a dark magic user, they had a sort of energy match wondering who would win. Seeing how powerful those energies were he quit and this is probably what led him to believe that you need to devote your whole life to the path of light and almost forgo any normal life on the side. With a family to take care of I understand his reluctance.

Like my father, I have touched the world of light and saw how much you need to devote to it. It is not a religion, it is not a vain exercise to see how good I can be. It is a way of life that changes everything once your embrace it totally.

That choice is a choice I haven't made yet.

I have flirted with it, but never committed to it.

To make the experience of God, of deep spirituality, you do not need to be a medium. Any human being can aspire to it. It is not exclusive. To decide to stay in it, to live in it every day, this is a vocation and I can tell that accepting the gift of being a medium also means that I can't live cut away from the main source of energy. It means I have to accept God and all that it means.

The last entry in my diary is dated 2 years ago. I never wrote since then and it was the day of the most powerful experience I had had with God in my entire life. Roughly translated this is what I wrote:

"I'm living the experience of God and it is wonderful. It began simply, having only a few happy moments for a few seconds, happening without any straining or force. They kept getting longer and staying longer. I was putting my hands on my heart to send some tenderness and love. Then I started to meditate. And to feel God. No barriers between me and that energy. It lasted a little less then a week like this till this morning.


I felt Elnersia (my angel), fluid and multicolored. We were One. She told me my vibrations had become very high and that I could feel her in her original state (which had nothing to do with the feminine presence she took to calm me down). Then Chickotee (my guide), a beautiful earthen red color. Then Jesus (gold). Then God. I was vibrating everywhere. I was in adoration, It was so magnificent, so beautiful."

So if it was so beautiful, why did I stop?

I remember that state. I remember how it was hard to come back. I didn't want to. I wanted to stay there. I was shocked by the discrepancies between this intense spiritual state and normal life that had so little of it in it.

That difference between the two worlds made it hard for me to go back. It almost felt like a drug. For a little everything seemed wonderful and perfect and then I was shoved back in a world that made little sense to me. Where I felt even more different and where I felt I belonged even less and less.

Mixing the two worlds and being able to feel at ease in both easily is not something I have been able to do yet. I know it is possible as some spiritual master are doing it. I just haven't found my own way yet.

I also think that having suffered so much, happiness is a hard thing to accept. Light is almost blinding now after all that time. My brain is afraid to let go and let the heart expand. It's afraid to relinquish the control it had to find to survive in hardship.

All this makes meditating very difficult for me these days. I know that as soon as I let the dam open. As soon as my heart can drive and my brain takes the passenger seat and enjoys the ride, everything will come back rushing with no leash. Learning to make baby steps in this is very important. Relearning tiny things.

Yesterday, for example, my husband had a very upset stomach. Almost without thinking too much, as an old reflex, I put my hands on his belly and it went away. Nothing miraculous there. Just the action of polarity in the body making the energy flow better, but for me it was a small step already. Accepting to put my hands, feel and help.

I really want to learn to not be so scared of the nature of what is inside me. We are made of energy and part of my fears are based on ignorance. We do not learn early enough how to deal with our own energies so for many it needs to be done later, with the help that is available. Often are we left by ourselves because we don't know who to turn to for advice.

A few years ago I used to pray to be sent a master to show me the way. I had many, many different guides who showed up. I basically shut them off one by one refusing the help of invisible being, only wanting a real person to accompany me in this. But as I prayed some more only more guides where showing up. Never a human one.

I think that if I really want a master and help with this, accepting the connection will have to be done. I am not ready yet, but I feel that at least I am considering it, which for now is a huge step forward!

One week celebration!

Yay! I made it a whole week!!!

Being harsh with myself has the negative consequence of never allowing myself to celebrate success and dig for old failure or anticipate new ones instead.

Way to bring down the spirit of a party!

But today, no matter what, I have to say that in the last week I have seen major attunements inside me. I feel happier as a whole. More hopeful. Less angry.

I even managed to meditate for 10-20 seconds this week.

Wait for it...

That's not enough. I suck and yadda, yadda, yadda...

But honestly Harsh Judgement can't win today. My spirits are too high for him to bring me down. And since I wrote this blog on him and his posse, he kinda makes me laugh instead of scared. At least, for now. And dear Jesus Complex. I have not laughed like this in awhile. Reread it so many times that that part of me has almost become dear to me. Needs so much love and less destruction.

I know I'd like to explore meditation and why being in the silence of my being is so scary for me. But today, I'll just go :

Woohoo!

And take the time to take it in. Just accept the new well being that is flowing through my veins and try not to silence it.

I know I can be very passionate. Invested 120%  and suddenly drop something because it has lost all meaning to me. I know there is a lot I want to explore and hope I have the perseverance to continue and not sabotage this effort of mine.

Being happy and just bask in it for a little is still difficult for me. So that's what I'll do today. Keep it simple here and simple in my mind. A mind vacation so I don't over do it and smell the roses I have planted.

What is the point of all this exploration if it only stays at the level of my mind and the heart never gets a chance to live it?

See you on the other side tomorrow. Have a good one everybody!

Facing the demons Boxing Match style

I have many demons inside me that make being a medium very difficult for me. They are part of my life, like I have skin on my body or breathe air. They are the unwanted friends that always show up and love to wreck the party just for the fun of it. No matter what you do to make them go away they are clingy and relentless.

My demons, over time, I gave them names. People say if you give name to something it can't be as mysterious. It gives you some kind of control over them. Lately I have seen them even a little differently, like they are in a boxer's ring. One in each corner ready to face me. Sometimes only one comes at me, sometimes two, sometimes all three pummel me till I am K.O. Game over. Can I get a rez? *

*Many games use a system that let other player resurrect a dead one. It's called rezzing.

So let's take you to that Boxing Ring and see what happens in the corners of my mind.

(Phony referee's voice) In the upper left corner, Fast, with a mean right hook, never missing an opportunity to slam his opponent in the gut, I preseeeent you "Harsh Judgment with Myself"!

This is by far one of my fiercest enemy. He likes to diminish every single thing I do. Tells me I am never good enough, smart enough, open enough. And if I get good, smart and open he'll just smash me in the face with "no, you're not." I read dozens of books, repeated mantras, worked and worked to accept this side of me. Tried to hate it, love it, ignore it. No matter what I do it just is. There seems to be no way to calm it except a state of pure love which I can't say I have achieved very often and certainly not lately.

(Phony referee's voice) Passive-aggressive, sneaky, needy, won't shy away from stabbing one in the back, welcome in the right upper corner "Need to fit in"! (probably stabs the referee in the back because he's not using a standard mike)

Need to fit it will literally do anything to win and get me down. Has no care in the world for my own needs and will force rehashes phrases over and over until I believe them. He'll remind me what society expects of me every second of the day. Will make me believe I have to lose who I am to succeed, become someone else. And as a final blow, will tell me that if I don't subscribe to his views there will never be a place in the world for me.

(Phony referee's voice) In the bottom left corner, he's wild, he's Light turned Twisted, he's Fear on Feet, looook out for the "Jesus complex"!

He'll make me feel I can accomplish great things. That I am wise but that I have to go through that path in utter poverty and no matter what I do I will suffer for being who I am and will be prosecuted for choosing a path of light.

With me being in the fourth corner overshadowed by those 3 great warriors a match will look a bit like this:

Me: (eager) I think I would really like to give mediumnity a chance.
Jesus Complex: (dancing around on his feet) Oh yeah. I am good. I am wise. I can do this. I am here to save the world.
Harsh Judgment: Pfft! (sarcastic) You? Really? Have you seen yourself? You can't even meditate more then 1 minute. Where's the wisdom?
Me: But I feel love in my heart I want to try.
Need to fit in: (polishing his knife) Yeah, yeah, that doesn't pay the bills honey. When is the last time anything you like to do gave you any money? Go work at Walmart at least you'll get a pay check.
Me: But I have things to offer only me can offer. If I work retail I won't have anymore energy to do these things.
Jesus Complex: Who cares about money anyway. Jesus didn't have money. I'm really good at being poor too. I know how to live with very little, see I've got a diploma in it, it's all shiny and stuff.
Harsh Judgement: (punch in the stomach) You think you're superior aren't you? You're better then everyone else?
Me: No. I just want to be me. Have a chance to...
Harsh Judgement: (punches harder in the gut) But you can't.
Me: Why?
Harsh Judgement: Cause you suck. You're not that good. You think you are sometimes because that stupid Jesus Complex is whispering silly things in your ears, but listen to me. You will not make it. You don't have what it takes.
Need to fit in: Right, what he said! You can't live in society if you don't do what is required of you. Work. Make money. Do your other stuff on the side as a hobby, preferably just forget about it altogether and let it die.
Me: But I feel I can't breathe if I try to fit in. I need something that fits me.
Jesus Complex: Just think about it. If you continue on that path at the end you will die. Society will kill you. They don't want you.
Need to fit in: You are too different.
Harsh Judgement: You are not good enough to make a difference.
Me: But...
Need to fit in: You'll end up poorer then now.
Jesus Complex: Living off charity like Jesus.
Me: But that's where I am now!
Harsh Judgement: (in Dr. Phil's voice) And how is that working out for ya?
Me: I guess I'll go check at Walmart. I guess there is no place for me in the world. I guess I am not good enough and I am a leech on people who have to sustain me financially. I guess I should just stop breathing. I guess...
Harsh Judgement/ Jesus Complex/ Need to fit in: (to each other) Wanna grab a beer?

This reminds me of a children story about a tiny dragon who lived in a house and no one in the house wanted to acknowledge the presence of the dragon except for the small child. The more the adults were denying the presence of the dragon, the more he would grow and fill the whole house. Eventually as he filled every corner of the house and no one could move anymore the adults had to acknowledge that there was a dragon.

Only when he was acknowledged and had a bowl of food put down for him, did the dragon slimmed down to his normal kitty size. The mother saying in the end something like: if you are only this size you are not that scary.

I never found any therapy or self-help techniques to get rid of my own demons. I figure all I can do now is try to keep them fed and as small as possible. One good food for demons: humor. They like it. Makes me think that they really aren't as scary as we think, more like shadowy figures reflected on an illuminated wall at night. Sometimes taking proportions that are so gigantic that we believe they are real and can control us.

I still get K.O from time to time. Probably always will. At this point it's more about acceptance then defiance. Fighting my demons has never brought any positive results, nor did trying to get rid of them. Maybe they are like bacterias in our bodies. We need the good ones in good amount to keep us healthy.

Maybe our own inner demons are there to keep our minds healthy so we can question ourselves and keep being honest. But as any domesticated beast their nature is to be wild and not harnessed and they might get lose from time to time.

Making contact and receiving messages

Making contact and be able to talk with beings that talk only the language of love is a very humbling experience. 

The medium friend I met in polarity class introduced me to my angel a year before I actually tried it on my own. She had a trance and her guide gave her some information about me and who was accompanying me.

Elnersia

A very sweet name that doesn't belong to any family of angels that we can see in angel books. 

To be honest I don't know what angels are. Do they have wings, are they like in the Bible? All I can tell from my experience, having talked with a variety of them, is that they are full of love and all have their quirky personalities.  

I know I am talking with an Angel when they are beings of very high energy that have a very specific quality to them. They don't seem to have a personal understanding of human life as if they never experienced it themselves. Guides on the other hand are very often dead people that were close to the person either in this life or another. They know about life on earth and can give advice that are rooted from their own experience too.

Angels will often come to make the connection with the divine in us to remember us our divine self, our light. They understand every fiber of our being, of our souls. Guides will actually guide and help with concrete problems. Things they are more likely to understand as they new those emotions and difficulties too at one point.

The challenge becomes even stronger when the scope of those messages increases and encompasses way more then guardian angels and guides. I have been in contact a few times with beings that we usually associate with fantasy novels: elves, sylph, fairies, the invisible friends children can have that adults can't see. 

Then there is the more religious figures like God, Jesus, Mary, Saint Teresa. Not being religious myself, it requires of me an open mind to receive messages from beings I don't necessarily believe in in the first place. But as those messages were filled with such love that they melted my heart over time, my logical side still had to sometimes give up and let the heart take the lead.

I would like to share with you a message a received some years ago. I translated it the best I could and hope it can talk to you to. Even though it was addressed to me in the heat of distress when fear was overwhelming me so much, it is still a universal message that is addressed to all and not just me specifically. 

I hope you can read it with you heart and only take what sounds true to you. 

God: You are a human being, isn't it? 

Me: Yes.

God: Well this is the human condition. Fear is a reflex. A happy reflex. Happy? How can I say such a thing? But you see there is happiness in everything even when your body lives in distress. So rejoice to have ears to ear your pain and your heart to listen to it. As there lies all the difference. In the silence of your heart you possess all of the eternal wisdom and the ultimate truth.

Be in peace with your path because it is a great clearing sprinkled with forests of experience. We are always walking hand in hand if you let me guide you. Sometimes, like kids like to do, you wander away for an adventure in the deep forest and you try to let go of my hand. You make one step alone, then two, then you are scared and forget you were holding my hand when you entered the forest. You think you need to go through it alone. But I never asked you to do anything alone. Simply take my hand back when you realize you are in distress. Tell me your fears, in details, if it makes you feel better and brings you calm. 

Me, I look at you meandering everywhere you go. I am your lighthouse. I am your anchor. I know the path because I am the path. Each path you decide to take is good. They only create different kind of experiences and some can be traumatizing. Are you lost in such a state that all you need to do is ask me to give you my hand. My hand is always stretched out to you similarly to the one parents would tend to their kids who would make their first step.

I have to let you make your experience so you can walk by yourself, think for yourself. But never fall into the illusion of thinking that this is real and the only reality. This experience that you live. Any experience that you decide to undertake, even those who make you suffer, are there because you chose them. And you can de-choose them. Make a choice that goes in agreement with your heart. Be in peace my child. I accompany you. I am with you. Always.  

I wish I could expand on that now after all those years. I wonder why I never asked the question. Ask what happens to those who can't change the circumstances around them that are imposed on them. 

Event though I can't let myself open up and receive a thorough answer I can feel inside, like a whisper, that it doesn't matter what we do, the experience is chosen as a whole. Be it for us, for others, for a greater purpose.

God: You see, you think that if some are in prison unjustifiably so that there is no way they could have wished this. They will also adamantly tell you they didn't wish this and so will the victims of war, disease, apocalyptic disasters. But the view is narrow if you see yourself as a body who experiences things only for yourself.

You see, things tend to happen for more then one soul's purpose because the cause and effect wave that affects everyone is more powerful then what one human being can experience as an individual.

Grand catastophes have a ripple effect that affects huge amount of the population. Intimate problems will affect people around you that need transformation, open themselves up. We are all connected. One experience someone goes through rarely only affects that soul but thousand. Cause and effect.

It is difficult to look at this in the perspective of a human being because you sense things, feel them separately then the whole. You wonder why you suffer, why only you, why I ask you to do so much, suffer so much. But I don't ask you anything. I only observe. I love. I comfort. I accompany. I sing to you and let you know you are not alone. 

Life is like a game. You can do what you want in it. If you can't get away from the assault around you, you can in your heart. No one possesses you. They can drug you, beat you, hurt you. But no one can have access to your core. No technology. No brainwashing can make anyone access who you really are but you.

[ this last message I got yesterday when I was doing the translation and asking the above question. I would jump up and down that I finally got access to a message again after so long. But I am afraid to be too loud and scare it away. (smile) I am just so happy in my heart to have let this come. I got interrupted and never got to finish the last message but it seemed to cover the question so I didn't go back to it yet.]

If ever you have you own concern or questions about this feel free to ask about it I'll see if I can get an answer for you.

As always thank you for reading this blog and making this experience an amazing one. I can already feel something changing inside me. Can't wait to continue now!

The balance between faith and doubt

Faith is a strange thing. It always seems easier to believe when everything is going well than when hardship hits you like a truck. When you need it the most, so often, you can't seem to have it anymore.

Over the years I have had all kinds of faith. I've seen what it's like to have tentative faith, lots of faith, no faith and something in between where I flirt with faith without making a commitment. It does make a difference the amount of faith I have on how easy I will accept receiving messages and how easy they come to me.

It led me to believe that we need an healthy amount of it to achieve anything. Be it faith in a higher being or our own self. It's like a circulatory system. It fills the cells and the heart with hope. It doesn't have to be perfect. Some wavering or doubt won't impair it truly, but too much doubts or complete lack of faith will put the soul in a strange coma where nothing seems to have sense anymore. Making hope and faith very intertwined where if you lose one the other one tends to leave you too.

Faith is believing in something you can't prove and mediumnity is all about that. Nothing you can see. Nothing you can prove.

A friend of mine pointed out today that we use electricity yet we don't see it. We don't question it, we use it, it is there. There are so many things we take for granted that we don't really understand and can't see. The technology behind a cell phone or a fax machine can't be seen to the naked eye when we use it but the results are constant. Because of that we don't question it. We won't go: "If I turn on the light, will it turn on? Is the bulb real? Is there really light there? If I can't see how the bulb is making light maybe it's not true".

We believe in electricity because the results are unwavering. There is proof that you don't need to know. Someone else proved it for us. It's now a fact.

The hardest part for me in the medium experience  is that no matter how much experience I get, no matter how many messages I get, no matter how amazing the feelings can be. There will never be any physical, tangible proof and doubt will be right there at the door looking at me in the eyes and offering candies.

Having a very logical mind is a wonderful thing and I am grateful to be able to question the process and not just become an automaton or subjugated to the point of accepting everything with no mind of my own.

It's all about balance. A balance I don't really have right now, but it's ok. There's a line I have always liked  that says this:

"You can't be angry with God and not believe in him at the same time".

It gives some hope, that even in the darkest hours of doubts and anger there is still some light there because the belief is never gone.

Assessing the reluctance

After the last two days that were very effervescent with lots of ideas and inspiration I feel today that I am scared that someone might actually read this. Breathe in, Breathe out!

Inspiration

I know I am not alone feeling like this and that this is probably a very common issue among people who have extra perceptions of other realities. The abilities come and challenge our views and beliefs to an extreme and we have to learn to live with them in harmony.

In my case there are several issues that make this hard to accept.

I am quite open-minded when it comes to extra perception abilities as a whole. I believe in them... for others. Now when it happens to me I am the worse skeptic. I think it's because it leaves the realm of possibilities and becomes the realm of actuality. That difference is huge and I enter a battle between logic and heart.

The provenance of many messages I receive comes from sources I don't even know if they really exist. I am not a religious person myself which makes it even harder to stay open and non judgmental when messages from God, Jesus, Mary or Saint Teresa come to me.  

I have no problem saying I believe in fairies and UFO's but having a fairy talk to me and beings from an other dimension talking with me boggles my mind.

This amazing being is a Sylphid a Frenchman drew when he saw her. Usually invisible he could somehow see her and said she stayed close to the woods. 

Now how can we make our brains compute that this isn't a child's drawing but something that is real, just not perceived by most?

I love this being and spend a lot of times smiling with it. My head doesn't comprehend it, doesn't believe it. But my heart does.

Another blockage is the way I receive the messages.

Now, I have read many books and followed many mediums when I was first starting to accept this. What was always a constant was the way they were receiving their messages. Most of them had trances, some had out of body experience, all of them were communicating exclusively with very few guides. No one seemed to have the versatility I had to speak to not only one guide but anything with no limits. The messages were not relayed from one guide to my personal guide then to me. I was always accessing the source. 

The way I was receiving them I had seen nowhere either. For me the experience of contacting these beings is  like turning on a computer or dialing a number on the telephone. I connect and it's there. I can take a pause and it's there. When I am in my natural state and not like now where my body is still very pasty and my emotions very unstable, I am floating up in the ether. My teacher used to tell me how much I needed to get anchored. I think that this ethereal quality of my energy when I am in harmony with myself is what makes the connection so easy. I just need to learn to anchor myself too not to fly up like an helium balloon.

Using a pen and paper was also a problem for me. Mediums who talk to you feel more intimate. It's live action right away. In my case I had to learn to accept that the messages were written and I was reading them afterwards commenting on the tone and emotions of the guide saying them. 

That too actually was a problem because how could I ever be sure it was real. There was no voice really. I heard words the same way I hear myself talk in my own head. The difference is that the energy and personalities were completely different. The style of their writing was also not mine and always different from one being to another.

Not fitting in the world of mediums made me doubt. Why couldn't I be like them? Why couldn't it be in a way that is so easy to believe in? I thought having trances meant you would know it was true. So how could I know it wasn't just my own head playing tricks?

The one thing that kept me going was that my friends were very supportive. I was getting messages for them when they needed them and I was told that many things said were very personal, intimate and had never been shared. 

For those who saw me do it, they told me I was writing extremely fast with no pause and almost no scratches. Knowing how long it takes me to write anything (I have been at this blog for over two hours! ) this helps me see that something is going on when I really connect to something.

But do I connect to the right source? That is the other reluctance I have. How am I sure I am speaking to the right being, that I am not being tricked? I have learned to recognize higher energy from low one, but sometimes I feel my head is acting like a radio gone crazy. Am I actually on the right channel or picking up the wrong thing?

I actually thing if my body could sustain it I could write all day long just picking up things I hear if I let it,  so making the difference is hard work. The guides that were coming often I was recognizing them and the preliminaries were often skipped. New entities and guides had to jump through hoops to prove me they were who they were as I refused to believe till I had some proof. Ah! When the brain takes control in matter like these, what a mess it does!

This is hilarious to think I had to put the poor angels through meticulous inspection worse then the airport when all they wanted to do was to say I love you to someone.

This shows how much my brain was guiding the process when my heart should have been the driver. In all honesty I had good moments too when I was very open and it worked like a charm but my brain didn't let me have these moments very often.

Because I have a hard time putting my brain on snooze and be present only in a minor capacity, I tend to resist a whole lot while I receive the messages. Very much more so early on and less and less as time went by.

I would stop a message every time anything remotely, seemingly negative was uttered. The guides would have to calm me down, help my brain to let the heart take the wheel again and continue only for me to realize that what seemed negative was actually not negative at all. More doubts were then arising: I controlled that! I changed it with my brain like I change the sounds of the choir in my head! 

If I didn't take this so seriously most of it wouldn't be a problem. I could accept to do this casually, matter of factly. But the truth is that those messages touch people to their core. They are crying, it is overwhelming for them to have a contact with  their own angels or guides For me to make that special connection for them is a huge responsibility and I can't play with it. 

I am so aware that this is a learning process. that it takes time to master it.  I can't expect it to be perfect. probably ever. I did make amazing progress though in the 5 years I did do messages. So why did everything stop when it was getting better?

The lack of faith is what hit me last. A gigantic Tsunami that nearly drowned me for half a year. Living in so much anger towards God that I cut all contact with everything. I refused to listen and to their advantage I must say they respected my choice with a profound respect.

Only when I asked for help did I finally hear my angel again and understood it was time to come here and make this blog. The most amazing feeling of light filled my tired body and made my molecules change. I could feel them charging with light. Now because I am almost dead inside from not doing much in the last year it will take some time to recuperate. But the healing process has at least started.

Expiration

The journey so far

Reluctant medium. That's kinda short but loaded with meaning. Why all the reluctance one might ask?

The story behind the reluctance, quite surprisingly to me, is longer then I originally thought it would be. The initial goal was to jot down a little blurb to publish in the section "About me" but expanded into a 13 handwritten pages of text that came to me just when I wanted to go to sleep. Inspiration is a weird thing. Leaves me with nothing to do for 4 years and now my waking hours are not enough and I have to be a zombie to write down an uncontrolable number of words that just kept pouring and pouring down!

I could edit that long version, but most of those stories I haven't told a lot of people. Telling them now is part of the recovery process as I was scared to be labeled as a crazy person for so long. They also, I hope, give you a better understanding of where I come from so this blog can be put into perspective.

Before the medium became medium

I am born in Montréal to actor parents who never really fit into society in a conventional way. I lived part of my childhood in France in a hotel , a trailer and a community apartment where neighbors always came in, living "la vie de Bohême", the Bohemian way. Always pretty poor but always ready to give my toys away to neighbors who had even less then me.

Back in Montreal the house we lived in didn’t even have a couch but enourmous, gigantic homemade cushions. Kids from the neighborhood wanted to come by and play in the fun house where kids were kings. Even though I am now grateful for this very out of the ordinary childhood, it did leave an insatiable need to fit in more conventional circles and push who I am aside to do so.

Around 13, I was an avid reader and started reading an abundance of books about paranormal phenomenons. I made an entry in my journal sometime that year that if it was worth it I would devote my whole life to the 6th sense. Well, in all honesty, that year I also wrote that I wanted to be an author, an archaelogist, an orchestra conductor and a judge (when there was no such thing as women conductor or judge then). So my resolve was everything but steady!

I later got to study litterature, languages and got a music degree in musical writting techniques.

First signs of mediumity

I was not looking for anything special when the first signs of mediumnity appeared around age 20. I started channeling dead artists in ways that were not explicit enough to notice at first.

I wrote poems in the style of Émile Nelligan, a Québec poet from the early 1900. I remember being haunted by him. Living without electricity in my bedroom. Writing under the light of a candle with a fountain pen and ink. Many of the lines I wrote were mine and I worked hard at them to make them sound just right, but some just came in a whisper. I called that voice "my muse". Every time I listened to it instead of working hard it came beautifully, perfectly in every way with ease.

To give an idea of the work I did I’ll copy down a poem I wrote on January , 22 1991. I am deeply sorry for English only speaking readers. My English is nowhere near good enough to translate this kind of work. But it would feel wrong not to include it in case some of you can understand bits of it.

Ah! J’ai le mal d’exister et pourtant je veux vivre

Pourquoi me laisser choir, existence cruelle

Dans un monde insensible où plus rien ne m’enivre?

Pour te fuir je suivrai les séraphins appels

D’une muse aguichante aux allures de sirène

Et dan l’Art enlacées nous seront tes rebelles.

Dans les soleils couchants j’irai enfouir mes peines

Et sous l’aile câline d’un oiseau d’or céleste

J’accorderai ma lyre aux harmonies lointaines

C’est un pays d’Opal qui s’étale vers l’Est

Où s’endorme les songes que les jours éternisent

Dans un jardin mystique aux parfum suaves et lestes

C’est dans un tel pays que bercée par la brise

Je cueillerai les Mandores que les nymphes divines

Ont semé sur mon cœur pour qu’enfin je me grise.

That connection to Nelligan almost brought me to the brinks of craziness (a fate the poet shared, being institutionalized for the rest of his life at age 19). I became increasingly alone, secluded and depressed. I was scared, couldn’t talked about it to anyone but opened up to my father who sit me on a chair put his hands around my head and cleared everything that was there. Every negative thoughts, all the depression. All of it was gone in 5 minutes. That connection to Nelligan was gone with it but I preserved my sanity!

A few years later dead musicians started talking to me more directly so I couldn’t mistake what was happening. I got petrified in front of Berlioz’s portrait at Musée d’Orsay in Paris, incapable of moving for over 5 minutes. Having him talk to me the whole time, until he told me I didn’t have to come to Paris to do this. Like I had started it! I barely new the guy. Liked his Requiem, read his Memoires and that was about it. I was so shocked I don’t remember even everything else he told me.

One would think that having one dead musician talk to me would have just made me receptive to having a second one manifesting himself. But the fact is that I was still barely understanding why suddenly I could move and the painting had stopped talking. Having a second dead musician whispering to me 20-30 minutes later was just too much!

My relationship with Chopin goes way back when I was 14 and made an entry in my diary saying that I fell in love with a dead person. That it was stupid but couldn’t help it and it was Chopin. There is no other mention of that ever again. I think I thought I was crazy and eventually made myself stop thinking about it.

A year before the trip to Paris that connection had sprung back to life as strong as when I was 14. I read books about him and I felt I knew him. I loved him without understanding why.

Now what happened in Paris with Chopin I haven’t told many people. It was such a weird experience for me that I didn’t even record it in my diary so I hope my memory is reliable.

While walking in the souvenir shop of the same museum, I heard him whisper to me. Always the same words. “Je t’aime”. I love you, over and over.

The more we were walking (it really felt I was not alone!) the more I realized I was going towards the house where he died. The plaque was on the wall. We then went to a cathedral a little further away. I kneeled down and remember feeling filled with an amazing love like if I had known that person forever. He kept telling me he loved me and asked me to marry him. I said yes .

I didn’t know if it was wishful thinking or real but that presence stayed with me for 2 more months or so. I wrote many conversation on paper with him when I went back home, until one day he told me it was the last time, that he couldn’t come anymore and I never heard from him ever again.

The “gift” he left me is that even though I have no personal intricate knowledge of how to play Chopin’s music I know how it is supposed to be played if you want to do it like him. The one he approved of and told me he understood his soul and played his music like he would was Agustin Anievas. For you to judge, I am no expert myself at this:

20 years later this experience feels very far. I don’t feel connected or in love with Chopin anymore. I don’t feel I know him anymore. But if I listen to the music it's still all there. So what was that moment? I don’t know. But this experience with Chopin was the most powerful one to date for me back then and it scared me very much. I was so scared of being crazy again that after this I put the experience in a drawer, put it under key and silenced it for a long time.

Well until it happened… again!

I stumbled on the diary of a complete obscure French writer from the 1960’s, Jean-René Huguenin, who died tragically in a car accident at age 26 , my exact age at the time! I bought the book in a library’s book sale for $1. Poor guys. 30 years later, his life was worth that much.

I read the whole diary in one go and I knew the guy. He wrote in his diary exactly like I wrote in mine. Same phraseology, same concerns. I started obsessing about him starting a huge research (a full 3 inches binder worth of work) compiling articles from the 1960’s. I was enamoured with that soul until one day the connection broke and I looked at the research and wondered : “why did I spent that much time in a dark room, working on old machines, looking for old articles?” I didn’t remember why I had been that drawn in the first place. The research stayed in my bookshelves for years until I threw it away not knowing what to do with it. No one wanted anything to do with that unknown writer. He came to me and left. Maybe he had unresolved business I found in the research? I really don’t know.

The stressful years away from mediumnity

For almost 6 years after that, I didn't get anything remotely paranormal in my life. Life actually became increasingly stressful and not fun at all. I was far from my own needs, my own aspirations. I was trying desperately to fit in. I was convinced that to do so I had to become someone else. Organized and efficient. So I became good at it.

They were still useless jobs, so I kept jumping from one to another, becoming an expert at jobs that had a contract and where I knew I wouldn’t feel stuck there forever. I finally landed big jobs in the movie and tv industry. Worked 14-16 hours a day until back to back, I had two burn outs, became a mass that could barely function anymore. I had to refuse a 30k promotion to become associate producer and felt humiliated and weak not to be able to deal with the pressure.

While not working, dominoes were still falling in a perfect sequence unbeknownst to me though. I had learned to better my English during the movie production, I made enough money to buy a computer. My favorite show at the time, ”Cupid” had been cancelled and I wrote a script for it and posted it online on a site with like-minded people. I made an ultimatum to God asking for my soulmate to come in my life or I would give up and not do anything anymore. Right away I met a writer who wrote Cupid novels, became friends for 2 years and married him a year after that as he was my soulmate.

I tried my hand again at conventional work landing an assistant job in a massage school. I got a third burn out from that place. Feeling even more miserable and incapable of working conventionaly again.

One door closes: Thousand of windows open!!!

That summer I started hearing a sound in my ear. Like a washing machine you hear through a wall. It drove me crazy. I cried myself to sleep. The doctor didn’t understand what it was and couldn’t do anything about it, so I turned to a teacher from the massage school who had always been nice to me. He taught Polarity and told me it would help me. I would like it.

I had never really did massages before. I had thought of taking classes but never did. I enrolled in his class and boy did everything changed that year.

All the drawers I had shut and silenced, all the fear of craziness were challenged to a degree that had no scale. It went from 0 to a 100 in one day. That first day of class.

Polarity is a powerful yet gentle approach to awaken the energies in the body. Borrowing many techniques coming from Ayurveda it balances the basic elements of earth, water, fire, air and ether in the body.

During that class I wrote extensively. 4 journals, chronicling every detail of everything I was feeling, doing and experiencing.

I discovered that I had an insane amount of magnetism in my hands that made them incredibly hot. That touching people made me feel what they were feeling. I had no protection and could absorb emotions like a sponge. It was overwhelming and it took me many years to try to find a way to deal with it.

The sound in my ear changed quite a lot that year. It never went away but I started hearing choirs and crickets on top of it in the background. I started to realize I could change the notes and make them “sing” the way I wanted to in my head. I could not make them go away but I had some sort of control on what they could do.

Receiving massages was an even deeper overwhelming experience. I felt everything with no barriers. I had mutiple visions of what looked like past lives. Either mine or other people I don’t know. I talked to my dead grandmother, saw people's guide, lights, what looked like angels.

Denying that something was happening at that point was a futile exercise.

I embraced it all. Fear was a strong motor and doubt was right behind it. But I had a strong support group at that point and the help of a chaperone, a confirmed medium in our class who had done that for a very long time. And was at peace with her path.

Healing time

I moved away near the sea after that class. I needed to be near salted water. Even though it was cold , it was amazingly beautiful. I went there because I felt I needed to heal my soul. I needed to reconnect with myself. And the energies there were filled with high vibrations.

I started actively receiving messages. The messages were coming on a almost daily basis for me and friends. That was the height of the medium experience. I had doubts but I was asking countless questions, investigating the minutiae of being a medium. Being harsh with myself and needing to verify everything to make sure it was true and that I was not connected to a phony spirit.

Making a living as a medium?

That one is a toughie when you are not gifted with a sense of sales and business. I am also very ethical and can’t accept to do something subpar. I worked coutless hours trying to devise advertisements flyiers, business cards.

I was basically trying to fit what I was good at in a setting that made me miserable. I kept trying to find way after way to monetize what I could do. Try to find a way to sustain myself the only way that made any sense for me.

Doing so made me hate what I was doing because I could tell that it was not the way it was supposed to be. It made me hate money even more then I already did.

I managed to get a few people interested in my services. One didn’t pay me. One was extra nice and came back and sent me her husband. One didn’t work at all. I couldn’t hear anything for her and had to send her home after I was told I was not the one to give her the message she needed.

It made me question my craft a lot. How can I propose to do this when it’s not something I can guarantee?

The monetery aspect of the whole thing really made the process difficult for me, developed unwanted tensions and increasing resistance; leading to believe there was no place for me in the world and that I couldn’t fit once more, and even worse: couldn’t fit in being who I was.

Immigration finally got resolved and I could move in with my husband. Finally all these years of separations were over. This bliss of being able to be together was mixed with having to adjust to a new country, a new lifestyle, a new culture and a new language I had to use all the time now.

Am I there yet?

Even though I was away from my loved ones and having to battle with my new ennemy: the air conditioning, I was still pretty active early on. Writing messages, still hopeful something would happen to help me make a living either out of massages or messages. But eventually I just gave up. Too many things were starting to go wrong, my health was not good and I felt abandonned. Depression hit hard and I refused to do any more messages. To this day I still can’t do them even though I came out on the other side of depression.

I feel I am finally ready to take the path to heal myself.

I am aware that telling a life in so little time brushes over the real issues. It is quite disconcerting to sum up hardship in a few lines when I felt like dying so many times. But I propose to revisit what is important and what can help me heal truly and get back to being able to connect again.

I look forward to writing more and connect with all of you soon!

The first step!

Yay! I made it, my first post!

I haven't accomplished much in real life in the last 4 years and this feels like a major victory. I finally made my first step into the world, ready to vanquish my baddies that so often wreck chaos on my way.

Ready? Well, to be honest, I am exhilarated to finally make a commitment to improve my life and feel active, but scared to death inside because those "baddies" have been plaguing my life for quite a while now and are familiar faces. Painfully so.

I am still determined though  to practice perseverance to the fullest and give my real-self a shot at life. Explore the fears and embrace my inner beauty.

Seems so easy to write that. Why is it so hard to do?