Facing the demons Boxing Match style

I have many demons inside me that make being a medium very difficult for me. They are part of my life, like I have skin on my body or breathe air. They are the unwanted friends that always show up and love to wreck the party just for the fun of it. No matter what you do to make them go away they are clingy and relentless.

My demons, over time, I gave them names. People say if you give name to something it can't be as mysterious. It gives you some kind of control over them. Lately I have seen them even a little differently, like they are in a boxer's ring. One in each corner ready to face me. Sometimes only one comes at me, sometimes two, sometimes all three pummel me till I am K.O. Game over. Can I get a rez? *

*Many games use a system that let other player resurrect a dead one. It's called rezzing.

So let's take you to that Boxing Ring and see what happens in the corners of my mind.

(Phony referee's voice) In the upper left corner, Fast, with a mean right hook, never missing an opportunity to slam his opponent in the gut, I preseeeent you "Harsh Judgment with Myself"!

This is by far one of my fiercest enemy. He likes to diminish every single thing I do. Tells me I am never good enough, smart enough, open enough. And if I get good, smart and open he'll just smash me in the face with "no, you're not." I read dozens of books, repeated mantras, worked and worked to accept this side of me. Tried to hate it, love it, ignore it. No matter what I do it just is. There seems to be no way to calm it except a state of pure love which I can't say I have achieved very often and certainly not lately.

(Phony referee's voice) Passive-aggressive, sneaky, needy, won't shy away from stabbing one in the back, welcome in the right upper corner "Need to fit in"! (probably stabs the referee in the back because he's not using a standard mike)

Need to fit it will literally do anything to win and get me down. Has no care in the world for my own needs and will force rehashes phrases over and over until I believe them. He'll remind me what society expects of me every second of the day. Will make me believe I have to lose who I am to succeed, become someone else. And as a final blow, will tell me that if I don't subscribe to his views there will never be a place in the world for me.

(Phony referee's voice) In the bottom left corner, he's wild, he's Light turned Twisted, he's Fear on Feet, looook out for the "Jesus complex"!

He'll make me feel I can accomplish great things. That I am wise but that I have to go through that path in utter poverty and no matter what I do I will suffer for being who I am and will be prosecuted for choosing a path of light.

With me being in the fourth corner overshadowed by those 3 great warriors a match will look a bit like this:

Me: (eager) I think I would really like to give mediumnity a chance.
Jesus Complex: (dancing around on his feet) Oh yeah. I am good. I am wise. I can do this. I am here to save the world.
Harsh Judgment: Pfft! (sarcastic) You? Really? Have you seen yourself? You can't even meditate more then 1 minute. Where's the wisdom?
Me: But I feel love in my heart I want to try.
Need to fit in: (polishing his knife) Yeah, yeah, that doesn't pay the bills honey. When is the last time anything you like to do gave you any money? Go work at Walmart at least you'll get a pay check.
Me: But I have things to offer only me can offer. If I work retail I won't have anymore energy to do these things.
Jesus Complex: Who cares about money anyway. Jesus didn't have money. I'm really good at being poor too. I know how to live with very little, see I've got a diploma in it, it's all shiny and stuff.
Harsh Judgement: (punch in the stomach) You think you're superior aren't you? You're better then everyone else?
Me: No. I just want to be me. Have a chance to...
Harsh Judgement: (punches harder in the gut) But you can't.
Me: Why?
Harsh Judgement: Cause you suck. You're not that good. You think you are sometimes because that stupid Jesus Complex is whispering silly things in your ears, but listen to me. You will not make it. You don't have what it takes.
Need to fit in: Right, what he said! You can't live in society if you don't do what is required of you. Work. Make money. Do your other stuff on the side as a hobby, preferably just forget about it altogether and let it die.
Me: But I feel I can't breathe if I try to fit in. I need something that fits me.
Jesus Complex: Just think about it. If you continue on that path at the end you will die. Society will kill you. They don't want you.
Need to fit in: You are too different.
Harsh Judgement: You are not good enough to make a difference.
Me: But...
Need to fit in: You'll end up poorer then now.
Jesus Complex: Living off charity like Jesus.
Me: But that's where I am now!
Harsh Judgement: (in Dr. Phil's voice) And how is that working out for ya?
Me: I guess I'll go check at Walmart. I guess there is no place for me in the world. I guess I am not good enough and I am a leech on people who have to sustain me financially. I guess I should just stop breathing. I guess...
Harsh Judgement/ Jesus Complex/ Need to fit in: (to each other) Wanna grab a beer?

This reminds me of a children story about a tiny dragon who lived in a house and no one in the house wanted to acknowledge the presence of the dragon except for the small child. The more the adults were denying the presence of the dragon, the more he would grow and fill the whole house. Eventually as he filled every corner of the house and no one could move anymore the adults had to acknowledge that there was a dragon.

Only when he was acknowledged and had a bowl of food put down for him, did the dragon slimmed down to his normal kitty size. The mother saying in the end something like: if you are only this size you are not that scary.

I never found any therapy or self-help techniques to get rid of my own demons. I figure all I can do now is try to keep them fed and as small as possible. One good food for demons: humor. They like it. Makes me think that they really aren't as scary as we think, more like shadowy figures reflected on an illuminated wall at night. Sometimes taking proportions that are so gigantic that we believe they are real and can control us.

I still get K.O from time to time. Probably always will. At this point it's more about acceptance then defiance. Fighting my demons has never brought any positive results, nor did trying to get rid of them. Maybe they are like bacterias in our bodies. We need the good ones in good amount to keep us healthy.

Maybe our own inner demons are there to keep our minds healthy so we can question ourselves and keep being honest. But as any domesticated beast their nature is to be wild and not harnessed and they might get lose from time to time.