About meditation

I know sleep has always been the first thing I control when I feel I am losing control. I have no control much yet in everything that has happened to me since I first felt the presence of my new guide by my side. It goes too fast and I try to slow it down the best I can.

I think I forget how much control I actually do have. I asked for energy to go down and they did. This is so much better. Not as high, something is a little different, maybe more earthly, but the other state was not enough earthly anymore. The transition was too fast.

I do do a lot of polarity on my body these days. The energy is stuck and not moving properly. I know my body is resilient, but I have hurt it so much, not respecting its limits so much, I try my best to be nice to it and I feel like a big bear trying to hug an ant and afraid to squish it out of clumsiness.

Yesterday I started a conversation with my guide about meditation and decided to write it down. It was too interesting to let it fade in my memory only leaving a faint impression.

Here is the message I got:

My guide: There is no need to go about it the way you do. People find, all, their own way to communicate with the source, with the self, with the matter that unites all things.

Meditation is but a mean. No one is forcing you to use it. there are millions of ways to make that same connection, even more so if you think in higher numbers because there is as many ways as there are people who want to communicate.

No one communicates exactly the same way. You write down messages, it is your way to do it. Why try another mean when you already found one?

Me: While I write, I don't really rest, I don't really breathe.

My guide: I do make you breathe though. This is your meditation. Your form of expression. Many times you seem to think you have to force yourself in a frame that doesn't suit you. Bad frame. Bad picture. You need to find the proper way for you to woo God and to find the way to His Heart. This can be achieved by simply being yourself.

This applied to other people would mean they have to find their own way to reach the Creator, not a pre-fabricated one. What exists is merely a way to show you how a path can be taken. But each individual needs to find its own path. No rules for everyone, as God speaks to all in different languages, in different vibrations and communicates in their heart in the only way it means something to you.

This is why teaching religion is such a hard enterprise. To keep God simple, attainable for all, yet not reduce the greatness of who He is.

This is what meditation is all about. Find the proper way to express love to all things that surround you. Some stroll near a pond, some will eat, some will have fun and dance, some will be very serious about it, approaching it like a mathematical equation. There is no need, but there is no wrong way to do it. If that way suits them, then it is the best way for them. They oughtn't change.

I am done now talking about meditation as I can tell your mind got peace from what I said. Meditate or not on what I said to your wish. I simply hope you can finally accept your own way is your best way. No need for candles, incense or any other stimulants. Be in peace. Communicate with an open heart. Then, in the heart of things you are right where you want to be. You are with God.

                                                                 
                                                                           * * *

The ending makes my heart melt in so many ways, I feel I am melting into love. It moves me to a point where I have no words to express it.

How can this stranger, that I can't call a stranger anymore, can have so much affect on me? How can he melt long term resistances that were hard as steel in so little time and in so little words?

I have no idea how this all speak to others. My friend said that reading the blogs she feels she can almost hear them, that it elevates her energies. Is it a universal feeling? Or just something I share only with close people to me who will feel it through me because they know me?

Because I know I am supposed to share this without a single doubt, I believe that this is probably for everyone to be impressed by what means something to them. Find their own meaning and truth in those words.

I do realize that many times a day I will be reminded to breathe. Take a good breath here and there, a small gentle push to make me breathe life in my body again. I never new meditation could be beautiful. I almost hated it because it felt like a stranger to me. I felt I had to do something that other did that made me feel uncomfortable. I though that spiritual progress was to become a certain image I had in my head. The illuminated man sitting like a lotus and not quite out of this world anymore. I didn't feel it talked to me. I never understood that what I do is already meditation. That who I am, the way I am is already meditating all day long even when I am not aware of it at different degrees of vibrations. I didn't understand we do not have to be highly connected to feel God. That he can be accessed in every tiny small things without even the slightest need to elevate yourself to Him. He will come down to you. Not really even, as he is already at our level. Finally I didn't understand that to be with God is the simplest thing of all. To achieve spiritual enlightenment doesn't require any work, any readings, any years and years of trying, it just requires an open heart.

"Be in peace. Communicate with an open heart. Then, in the heart of things you are right where you want to be. You are with God."

These words I read so many times since yesterday. I can't keep them out of my mind.

                                                                      * * *

I managed to calm the voices in my head.  To cut the communication and stop the voices, find my off switch, the lightsaber seems to work after all, maybe because in my head I know that if I cut the link with such a blade no thread will grow back right away like it does when I use a mental cutter. This is why I think I managed to sleep. I can hear faint voices in the back of my mind but not in the foreground. There is a veil and I see that if I need to, I can push the imagery to imagine I am closing the door to an attic and closing it behind key. When I go down the ladder I leave them up there and I go down on the ground.

So far it seems to work so it is a relief, because living with voices talking all the time is a pain. It reminds me of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. In season 3, in the episode "Earshot" she got bit by a monster who gave her his demon qualities of hearing people's thought. As fun as it was to have that gift to start with, she spiraled down unable to keep with all the voices in her head. Shutting down, unable to respond anymore. In the last few days, those voices were so active for me, the brain was over-solicited so much, that it felt the exact same way to me.

Again, I am reminded to rest and add a lot of fun to my life. Breathe, rest, have fun, try not to work as much, as I can tell this is almost the same energy that propulsed me to do all these burnouts many years ago.

I want to learn to respect my rhythm, to learn to recognize when fun needs to be added and when it is time to work, All work and no play is not good for anyone. Even if it is to be closer to a beautiful world filled with angels and light and spiritual enlightenment.

The gates have opened

It started when a friend of my husband asked for a message. Because I am quick to answer for a cry for help,  I did it last night in the middle of the night instead of sleeping.  I will need to meditate more on that, as this need to comfort and help others is not quite what it should be. I still need time to learn correctly how to put my limits as it is becoming an increasing problem if I don't learn how to listen to my needs first.

15 minutes later I had 4 pages laid down, framed with titles, detailed information on the state of the soul both emotionally and physically, the treatment laid down to come back from such a deep state of despair and all that again without a single scratch. The only thing was that from time to time I was drowsing and that they were waiting for me to come back to continue.

I have never had a diagnosis before, or anything remotely resembling that. Because of the obvious link to my new guide,  I asked him afterwards if it had anything to do with him and he said no. That those entities where not the same phenomenon and that though similar in effect it was not linked. The message was catered to the person and had to sound that specific way to make the proper impression

All I can do is my best. Even though I don't doubt myself on what happened, I understand that the message only is worth anything if it talks to the person. As I have said before, I am really aware how subjective this is. I am not perfect and even though my heart is fully in it, there is so much that is way beyond my control here and I am am but an apprentice on this path, not a guide or a master.

This message, even if made for the wrong reason to become a savior, did help me make the final push and open up the gates to the other side. Open to more then for myself. I am happy that I managed to open up those gates with my heart and not my brain. "All is connected". That, I have heard from every angel, guide, God, Jesus, everyone, at all times. This reminds me how true it is. How one's needs is also the other's and that together we are in constant collaboration.

This bout of insomnia is starting to be not good though. My husband is highly concerned and looked at me with worried eyes today: "You are going to burn yourself out", he said. And it is true. I can't seem to stop.

What I need to be very careful with is that there is no off switch that works for me right now. I keep hearing things in my head all the time and this doesn't help to sleep either. I had the sudden memory of a trick I had to cut the communication before when it was too strong, use a cutter in my imagination and cut the link like it is a rope, but it is barely working. Even my husband's suggestion to use a lightsaber is not working very well yet!

I will really need to rest. I asked to have my energy lowered a bit and they did, maybe it will help.

There is no coincidence

I feel like a bride who is led to the altar. This wonderful feeling of love is so strong it is like what I felt for Frédéric Chopin, 17 years ago. Back then after he told me several time he loved me and finally asked me to marry him and I had said yes (The journey so far). I did't understand what it meant. I understand now that this has nothing to do with an earthly wedding, with a earthly love, with marriage even. It is a union and merely a reflection that is shown to us in a way we can understand.

I say we, as finally I got to talk to my dear friend this morning and she told me it was the same for her guide (also a famous dead person) and her. When I had made the messages for her, I didn't know who her guide was, yet what he said she recognized. The messages were saying specific things that she had just read and not shared. She, too, very much like me with Chopin, had thought she was crazy and wished for it to go away many times. And the only support I could give her was to make the messages for her to explain that unbreakable and unexplainable link and accompany her with the faded memory of what had happened with Chopin when I was in a state of denial too.

She sent me the article about Edgar Cayce last week (First contact after years of denial) and before that article all I knew was vaguely his name for being famous and that he had said things about Atlantis, as I remember looking for that when I had a similar vision to his many years ago (without knowing his in the first place). I didn't know he did readings or slept or was called the sleeping prophet. I had no idea what he looked like, what he had done, just basically that he had a famous name that we don't even pronounce the same in French) My friend told me that when she read the article she said she thought that that man was like me. A simple man who could do big things and that I might find comfort in the fact that he didn't charge people and it was possible to have such a vision.

She told me today that prior to sending me the article she had felt her guide again (and I remember telling her as such last week that I had felt him actively back in her circle. A small communication I had done for her before the big one hit with Edgar Cayce) As she has been my anchor to learn the whole process it does not surprise me that again, she would be the first one I would have a communication for before starting floating again with other guides. My friend, told me her guide was back and she felt him when she moved in her new house, that she also prepared dinner and sat on the couch and he was right there on tv. How many time is he on normal tv? This was more then coincidence.

She said she read the article about Garrett and Cayce, coming from her roommate's Lifetime collection, her roommate being yet another soul who has accompanied me many times on the path of learning this gift and for whom I have explored realms that beforehand, I only thought existed in fairy tales and fantasy novels or games. A soul so beautiful, that I know that for her too, accepting the reality of who she is on this Earth is a challenge just in itself.

So, that Edgar Cayce came into my life through the means of those two other souls so dear to me, is no coincidence at all anymore. My friend told me she just knew she had to send the pages right away. Now. And that her roommate being tired she would never have pressed her to scan and send them under normal circumstances. But as she felt the irrepressible urge to do so. She understood that those were not normal circumstances and she did all she could, so I could get hold of the article right away.

Not only did I connect to Edgar Cayce's story in every fiber of my being, but I got to share with her the experience of feeling Edgar Cayce around me, validating, after so many years, point by point, what she had and still is feeling for her guide: a love that transcends everything a human being seems to be able to feel. She told me she felt as she was so small that God had to borrow her love because she couldn't do it all on her own, that's how big it was.

So here I am, deep in love with a being I don't know. A kind of love I know I felt a few times before for others and especially for Jesus when he came to me so many times. But not being religious and not being sure he had really existed, I never really let myself feel as much, even though it was probably, in retrospect, even more powerful then this.

The flow is on and I can't seem to find the off switch yet.

How written messages work

Yesterday, I wondered about how come it can tire me so much to write down a message when I can just talk with invisible beings without feeling tired at all. Discussing the difference between the two states with my husband he told me that it might be something akin to digital versus making a hard copy of something, or listening to a song versus writing every chord down,

And then it hit me, that it is somewhat true. When I only talk, my brain functions are not that active. It doesn't require any motor action of my body and a lot of it doesn't require actual words. A little like telepathy. Sometimes, in one impression I understand many sentences or they don't even use words I know what they mean.

When I sit down to write it down, the thoughts have to actualize in a body that will become words on the paper, a solid form. The nice folks I talked to in the 9th dimension (see Entities that defy all logic) gave me a whole lesson on that many years ago. It was a very simplified way to see things, with lots of different examples and metaphors to help grasp the concept. The gist of it was that the higher the energy is the more it resembles when we fast forward a tape on a video player without the image on. We do not see the image and this would be the state of certain beings when they talk and communicate. We, on Earth would look, compared to it, like a video on slow motion where you see it move frame by frame. They insisted a lot in not comparing the two states, that one was not better then the other, but simply different expressions of the same essence (as we are all one).

Applied to what happens to me, I think that when I am up there alone with them, no paper, no pen to write it on, I elevate my vibrations towards them to vibrate closer to their level. As this is a more normal state for me anyway, for most of those entities, I won't feel the slightest change at all. It is exactly like picking up the phone and talking to a dear friend and hanging up when I decide to go do something else (though it seems I might close it on my end, but they don't on theirs). This reminds me of the fast forward action on the VCR.

When I sit down and write down what I hear, then it is quite the contrary that happens. The words have to take physical form and the energy has to be adapted to that. It is a constant stream of finding balance between those two states. Then, still using the same metaphor of the VCR,  the action, compared to when I just talk easily, seems to be slowed down to a twinkle.

I don't know if it can be as easily explained as that. I only talk with them, I elevate myself to them, They communicate with me through writing and they have to get their energy down, bringing me along with them to make the process of writing possible. This is something I could really delve into some more another time, as this was a whole chapter in the book I wrote with them. And it is obvious that this is only the surface of something that goes way deeper.

I have no idea really what it is, just musings for now. I don't think I ever thought of that before though, the difference between the writing and none writing state. I did try, once, with a close friend to just say what I was hearing instead of writing it. It was very difficult. I still was hearing them talking, continuing their thoughts, while I had to basically talk over them making the whole process very cumbersome. Not only, but it was too much to bear for my friend too. Every time I am giving her a message, she has to put herself in a state to receive it. To feel the whole thing there raw is quite overwhelming and can be too much to take. I guess it depends on people. But for me, it makes me feel quite uneasy to feel I have to be a kind of translator who hears, talks and has to continue hearing while they continue to talk and I am talking. It's messy. And if I put them on pause to just say things bit by bit, the whole flow is broken. That and the fact that it is way more tiring then writing in the end.

So I don't know if I'll ever find a better way to do it. I type quite fast on a keyboard, but not fast enough to keep up with the speed messages come by. Talking about it to my husband again today, asking about the message I made for him, he said he remembered I just couldn't make it all up as I was writing so fast it felt like those old machine with a ticker tape. I am always quite stunned by this because I don't see myself do it so it feels all normal to me and not that fast. But it is true that in that state I can write huge amount of pages in very little time, compared to what I could accomplish normally, even with a good inspiration going on.

It hasn't happened again yet, but I remember hearing things many sentences ahead and couldn't keep up because they were already further then what I had time to transcribe. I am quite different then when I used to do it back then, maybe things will change based on that too.

I remind myself that I am only half way to my destination. I know energies have to go a lot higher then that to get back to my normal place. I have people around me I want to help, that have been asking for help for awhile and I couldn't do anything about it. I just wish it will come in good time and that I can finally claim my place to where I should be.

All I want is a simple life and maybe it is an ok thing that this blog is not widely spread. I don't know what I would do with tons of people asking for help. I cannot even do it really for friends yet, so I know I wouldn't be able to do it for strangers either.

I'll go back to yesterday's lesson. Breathe,breathe, breathe...

After the conversation

After typing the blog, this morning, I decided to rest. To really give my body a chance to recuperate for everything it went through lately. To my amazement, the strangest thing happened. While I was trying to help my mind get peace, it activated instead. I started having visions and my mind wouldn't shut up. I was writing 4-5 blogs ahead, one after an other, having them all laid out in my mind. As I was determined to rest, I just ignored it,  the best I could and didn't want to take a pen and paper. The amount of information I was hearing would have taken me hours and hours to transcribe.

Again my meals have been decided for me. The best I can understand, my body needs to regenerate and disintoxicate. So no dairy, no sugar, no big meat. Proteins in form of hard boiled egg is tolerable, not ideal, but that's all I have. I had fruits for breakfast with a few almonds and lightly steamed green vegetables topped with a raw glove of minced garlic for lunch. Just a few raw colored vegetables for diner with the egg.

As far as I can tell, my body is happy, except for the bit of yogurt I put on my strawberries. I guess dairy was really out of question today and I didn't listen. I also drink huge amounts of water and I know it's always hot here, but I never feel I have enough.

I just seem suddenly to know, out of nowhere, what is good or bad for me. It doesn't come as a voice really, as I tried to pay attention today to what is happening. It is more like an impression on the mind. Something that appears and I know. All day long it's been that way. What to do, when to eat, exercise, go outdoors, when to rest. All of it came with the same clear impression and all I did was to listen to it. I have always resisted so what else am I to do? If I want to let go of resistances I need to trust something, someone.

And this is probably the weirdest thing of all for me. I have talked for 5 years, almost every day with my angel Elnersia before I stopped everything. I have contacted dozens of entities that guided me through different teachings. In those 5 years of active mediumnity, I have never felt as close to any invisible being as I feel with Edgar Cayce.

Mind you, every time I say something like that out loud, I am thinking: "Who am I to think this is true?" But I try to go with the feeling of love alone. This is too strong to resist. What is puzzling with this connection with Edgar Cayce is that I don't know him. I have no prior feeling I have met that particular soul ever in any kind of way (and he confirmed it to me). I know I knew Chopin's soul somewhere or Nelligan's or Jean-René Huguenin's ( I relate my encounters with them in The journey so far). probably not in their "famous" incarnations, maybe not even on Earth, but somehow I knew them. Edgar Cayce is a little like Berlioz. Barely knew anything about Berlioz when he talked to me, same here with Edgar Cayce. Why is it then that I can feel so close, so fast to someone I don't know at all? The answer I hear whispered to me is: "Love connects all things". That's all there is to that.

So this stranger to me, I barely knew by name with a few scattered information from an article about him, has become a source of strength and trust. I trust him with no boundaries and I don't even know why. It just is. Maybe it's like he said earlier today, love should be proof enough. And it is.

It is the first time in my entire life, I feel I am ok in the presence of a being I can't see and that I don't challenge his existence or reality when I talk with him.

Earlier today, I rested on the bed and could tell he was there just saying a few guiding words. Reminding me to breathe, and when I did, reminding me not to force the breath I took. And he talked about God again. This too is new to me. I have heard people who loved God before. I met them from all kinds of faith, they shared their vision and it elated me to see them so happy and sometimes it stirred the desire for me to also get closer, but really I always envied them to find so much peace from God as I could never really let myself do it.

My talks with God were always amazing, but I was never in peace with it. Even contacting the source of all things, feeling the wonder of it all, I rarely felt One, mostly I felt separated.

Edgar Cayce talks about God with such beauty that I am in awe.

As what happened while I was on the bed was just a conversation and not a written message, it was a lot easier for me to let go. It doesn't tire me at all and could go on and on. When I write it down, this is when everything becomes heavier. I guess one day I should explore why. Anyhow today, I didn't feel like writing a second message in a row, talking is way more pleasant and fun, less rigorous and carefree. Seemed to fit better with the theme of the day to rest and take care of myself.

I asked him to stay near me, as I was so scared to rest and be almost in a meditative state all by myself. And he did. He did more then that. To calm the tension that was rising in my body, he asked me if I was afraid of the dresser, the picture on the wall and was generally making me think of everything that surrounded me. I said that I wasn't afraid of them. "Yet, God is in them", he told me. I started calming down as he went on about things I barely remember (hence why writing is useful). I just had this deep feeling of being secure and safe and that there was nothing to be afraid of.

When I went to Rimouski, to live by the sea, I met an homeopath there that helped me a lot with accepting angels and what was inside of me. She invited me to her meditation group and I refused telling her meditating scared me. She said I would sit at her left side and she would be my anchor for me. It was so generous from her and I learned so much. Unfortunately, without her by my side I couldn't do it as well. And even with her, it wasn't really easy either, just a lot better then usual.

Seeing how easy it is for me to trust a soul I don't know, maybe I just needed the right anchor. I can only hope he will stay long enough to teach me or accompany me in that. Not meditation, but to not fear the presence of God so much, of this amazing energy that I am so afraid to feel all. As I write this, I can still feel him right there calm and serene, making me feel he won't go anywhere until I won't need him anymore.

Yet, isn't it wrong to use someone like that? To use them till they have nothing else to give you? I simply hear to that, the word "one". That all is one in the end.

If I am only riding the reigns of a wild active imagination, I wonder how more active it will be as I can tell, this is only the beginning. I barely opened the gate for one soul. I remember when I used to be connected all the time, like a radio that I only have to switch on or off. This is still nothing compared to it.

I feel it is there though. All accessible right now if I want to. I am just hesitant still to push the "on" button. I feel I am clinging to Edgar Cayce like a child does to a security blanket. I'll take that for what it is right now. I know I can't handle too much of it. One step at a time. When I feel even safer I know I will have the courage to open the gate some more.

Conversation with Edgar Cayce

As I write the title I am not sure I feel too good. Still very difficult to share this with the world. I am still afraid somehow that it is all a sham. I'll breathe the best I can and try to hang to what happens instead of my fear of it.

Beforehand


Yesterday, I stayed awake maybe 20 hours long. I wrote and typed my novel for a lot of that time, way into the night, unable to stop. I can tell when something is wrong when my husband starts to worry. He sees me from the outside of what inhabits me and can bring me back when I go too far. It was not pretty. I felt like a child that is told to stop playing and to go to sleep. Truth is, I have been neglecting everything around me, him, friends and my body. When I finally stopped, I understood what he meant. My body was a mess. Even though I had forced myself to take tiny 1-2 minute breaks to move my body here and there it was in a dire need of attention.

I exercise and eat, but those are done out of a "need to" feeling more then a "want to" one. It's often sped up so I can finally go do what I really want. I am a little worried that this wave of energy that can't stop will bring my body down and I know I have to start listening to it.

Yesterday, my whole diet for the day was laid down for me. I don't know who was speaking to me, but I just knew everything I had to eat or avoid. My third meal was not a success though, as I had to stop to prepare it and didn't want to. The result was that it slowed down my digestive tracks that were not prepared for something too heavy. It was not even what we would call a heavy meal, but in my state, I seem to only be able to absorb raw vegetables or slightly cooked ones with light proteins on the side. Egg sandwich on baguette with green onions and tomatoes didn't make my body happy at all. I'll try to do better today.

Leading to the conversation

It started when I woke up this morning. I think somehow Edgar Cayce was in my dream. Nothing like what I had felt last time, but it was a dream so I guess I just made him up the way I wanted in there. I don't even remember the specific, except he seemed to be a guiding figure.

When I woke up, after 5 hours of sleep (my best in the last 4-5 days!) I could feel his presence. It was not exactly like what I had felt before. Nothing of the nervousness or the cluster of souls. It's as if he had chosen a way to show himself to me that I would accept. Not that I see anything, but I perceive it. I perceive emotions and smiles and laughs. When I do, I write them down on the message so I can remember.

He started talking to me while I was still in bed and I asked him the first few questions that way. Then, as I was waking up more, I realized he was actually talking and that I should write it down, so I restarted the dialogue to make sure I wouldn't lose it. He smiled and repeated. So I hurried to get a notepad and pen and went on the couch, sit down Indian style and was ready to start. He made me take a few deep breaths first to calm my ardors and I complied. We then restarted the beginning of the conversation for a third time and I could feel he was repeating with an indulgent smile.

Me: Are you Edgar Cayce?

Edgar Cayce: Yes.

Me: Are you exactly like the soul that lived here on Earth?

Edgar Cayce: No.

Me: Why is that?

Edgar Cayce: You see what you want to see.

Me: Like that man said I read about two days ago?

Edgar Cayce: Yes. He sees me how he wants to see me too. And so do all human beings.

Me: It doesn't disturb you we never get to see the real you, just bits that we distort to our view?

Edgar Cayce: There is no distortion here. It is not a fake vision, if it is what you mean. it is merely a state of who I am that answers better to you then others.

Pause
(Here he made me do another big breath before continuing. One of many)

Me: Can you explain further?

Edgar Cayce: Souls are very subjective to the human mind. We appear to you to what will make a durable impression and give you a sense of completion with the universe.

Pause
(He made me take another big breath with loud expiration)

Edgar Cayce: Souls are always interconnected as we are one and only soul in the end. God. The reflection of light that is sent everywhere in the universe is a pale copy of what really is but always carries inside of it the real divine design. All is connected.

Me: So it is, somehow, also an active imagination and not just mediumnity?


Edgar Cayce: So much need to categorize what simply is. Your need narrows the real issue, as I said, All is One. Going beyond that defies the purpose of what life really is. You do not need to understand to feel love, yet you want to put a label on what is happening here. Isn't love enough. Enough proof to rest your (he said an adjective I couldn't really hear or understand) heart?

Me: You think I should just be content to feel the love without having to communicate verbally?

Edgar Cayce: Communication is a strange things when on Earth. You think you understand things through words, but really the best communication is the one of the heart. Love will always be the way human beings communicate the best. In that state of love, they feel what really is, the matter of all things. In love, they don't need to understand every detail. They understand that the details are them. Who they are. All becomes again one and then the human form can elevates itself to the rank of God and remember who he is and what he came here to do. Be one of the many reflection of God on Earth.

Me: What about the people who don't believe?

Belief is not necessary to do the work of God. God is everything you want it to be. It can be your dog, your flower, your ambition, your love of nature, your need to succeed to feel a sense of achievement. God is in everything, everywhere, surrounding you, not judging your needs and your wants. Always present.

Me: And what happens in those dark hours when our heart can't open anymore? When we don't even feel the presence of God?

Edgar Cayce: God is there every step of every path for everyone for eternity. There is not one soul, there is nothing alive or inanimated that isn't filled with the essence of God.

Me: I feel your love for God. So pure. I wish I could feel the same.

Edgar Cayce: (talking about himself) That body knows God, as the quest for His name was in every waking moment of his life. But you do too have such love in your heart. You resist because you feel that the word God resonates different with everyone, you fear it is associated with religion, that through you, you are forming a church of belief and you don't want to carry such an enterprise.

Me: This is true. I do not like imposing views on people, not even on me.

Edgar Cayce: God is...

(I went to get water on his recommendation, drank, breathed deeply again a few times with strong expirations. I can tell it is starting to tire me out and I can't keep it for long. When he continues where he left off I can tell he changed what he was about to say.)

Edgar Cayce: God is like a child in your heart. I am adapting the view to your need so you can understand and grasp it better.

Children are free to play, without a care in the world if they feel they are secure. They can frolic in the fields and discover parts of nature, get some of the unexpected and go back to their parents knowing they will get comfort.

This image of God suits you well. Adapted to your needs. God in that way is your parent, your house, your protection and you are his child. He is also the child as he is you at the same time, the rock you sit on, the stream you are looking at, the bird that sings to you. He is in everything that seems dead or alive to you. All is filled with His essence.

Me: (getting a feeling of realization) You are here to teach me about God?

Edgar Cayce: I did many times in this form. I did many times after. It doesn't matter how people see God. What name they give him, what anger they can throw at him. His love is unwavering and so strong, so untouchable, no hard feeling of any kind can make him stop loving or make the love dwindle or fade.

Me: Is this the only purpose of your presence with me?

Edgar Cayce: You called me. I am here.

Me: I called you?

Edgar Cayce: Not willingly or knowingly, if it is what you mean. but we are many here by your side. Always, do you have an impressive array of people taking care of you. You are never alone in that regard. but your mind has a hard time accepting that fact. That all the answers are already here. That the voices that your hear can already guide you. You don't trust them yet. You don't know them yet, so you call for what feels familiar and not dangerous to you, to help you connect. There is nothing wrong with that. I am here and so are many.

(He makes me breathe again)

Me: I can tell it is too difficult to continue, not enough sleep. Do you want to comment on that please, to help me?

(Makes me breathe again)

Edgar Cayce: Sleep is abandonment. Trust. You don't possess these things just yet. You still struggle to keep the past alive and want to hold on to what you knew, even though it hurt you.

(Makes me breathe again. it is really hard to keep up the connection as I am really tired at that point)

Edgar Cayce: Only through releasing resistance can you find the true place in your heart where everything sings and where you feel at peace.

Your body is tired. We have to finish this entretient (the French word came up instead of "talk" or "discussion". happens when my mind can't keep up with one language, it will change to the next one without breaking stride.)

Me: Thank you

Edgar Cayce: I felt a strong and powerful wave of love before it faded to a whisper as I can tell he is still here, just not talking.

A few comment


I started the conversation in English myself, it could have gone either way. I have noticed in the past that they can really switch language with my own thoughts and language is not a barrier to them.

I wrote the whole thing in one go, expect for all the pauses he made me take and the time I had to go get water. There is but one scratch at the end of the message on the word "releasing",  as I wrote it badly and thought I wouldn't be able to reread myself later. I also made a comment in the margin  while typing this and was in the wrong spot so had to scratch it to.

The dialogue is often not spaced, and often doesn't have punctuation, so I added some for reading purposes.

The message is written in my writing and it flows and is, for the most part, easy for me to read. It doesn't always happen that way, as when I connect to high vibrating beings, those that defy what I can feel with angels and guides, I usually keep my eyes half closed, as it is too much to bare and I can't see where I write much and it gets harder to decipher after.

Technicalities aside, I feel elated as this is one of the most beautiful moment I had in my life. Each one seems to top the last one and I feel so grateful to have been able to not stay in fear and not interrupting him or doubt him or all the things I used to do during a message.

I need a lot of rest today and I hope I will be nice to myself and take it.

It is quite a strange thing to share all of this that can feel so private, but somehow I know that his words, even if catered to me, can also touch others. Whatever your beliefs are, I hope this can give you a sense of wholeness too. Most of all, I just hope that you find your own truth in it and your own sense of self.

Good day everybody and thank you so much for keeping with me. I know the circle of readers is still small. It doesn't matter, as I would do it anyway with no one reading at all, as it feels like a calling, something I can't resist. But I want to express my gratitude to you all, as every time you take the time to read me, you all help me on my path and even though I don't know who you are, I thank you with all my heart for it.

I have no contention to knowledge

I have no contention in learning the secrets of the universe anymore. I must confess that at one point I did, for a very long time. But lately, I can see myself so small, I not only know I will never get the answers I am looking for in this form, but I don't really want them anymore. either

I think the change is due to the people surrounding me. I realize the more it goes, that man looks for answers everywhere and can't see so often the tiny things surrounding him. What is the use of understanding everything if my heart can't be open to sing at every details around me?

I have noticed lately how my parents have changed. They both have their lives away from each other and it's been a long time that way. I have seen them both struggle and I see them both find peace and contentment not out of any knowledge. Their deep wisdom I can feel emanating from them comes from the simple fact of living life for what it is now.

My mom's dream had always been to see her name in neon's light. She has amazing talent, yet her life has been spent in the shadows, not earning any real reputation. After so many struggles, I see her now at 68, young at heart and not looking her age, living in contentment, only from the nature that surrounds her. She discovered Thoreau and can't stand the seek for fame anymore. Her only ambition is to live life, a simple life and make sure she is in contact with the nature that she surrounded herself with in the last year.

Similarly, my father at 73, has nothing of an old man. He travels, keeps his mind active, even though his body aged, his voice still has the same dynamic it always had. He still sounds young. Even though he still loves entering debates about society and everything that is wrong in it, subject that used to be a source of fire between us in the past, he doesn't have the need to win an argument anymore and I can listen to him with glee even. He has found a peace of mind that I never saw him have before.

Both my parents are in excellent health, both convinced that they won't get sick. My mom said that finally for the first time of her life she has found people who don't think she is crazy when she says that we don't have to die from sickness but that we can die of old age. My father on his end is saying that when he will be 80, and still not sick, people maybe will understand that it is possible and he wants to show them it can be done.

How did they sprung such an hypochondriac daughter in me, I don't know. Maybe being away from them and surrounded by people who take medicine every day I have lost that hope. I have seen a lot of pain in the last few years and people who don't have that outlook on life. It is hard to keep believing.

Yesterday, I read a few pages about a man who claims he can read people's lives through the Akashic records (which, I am told, are the universal library that some people seem to be to access to know the objective truth to everything).

I have to say that when I read what he had to say about people like me, my heart sank. Maybe after all, despite all my efforts to stay honest, maybe my imagination is so strong that I make it all up or at least a great part of it. Yet, I have no personal interest in accessing the Akashic records or whatever they are. I am only mildly interested in past lives and the effect they could have on our present lives. I don't see the interest in knowing these facts, if they don't trouble someone's present life and stop someone from advancing in their path. Even then, I can tell it is not my journey, thousands of other people would know more what to do with healing that kind of ailment then me.

All I do, that is easy for me, is to be in contact with souls of any kind. Is it subjective? Oh yes it is! There is absolutely nothing objective and 100% guarantee in it. But human beings don't even know themselves, how am I supposed to know them? We are a moving see of emotions and we usually are never aware of our deep oceans and what lives in the deep waters of our mind and being.

How could I know better they they do about themselves? Am I only accessing parts of their subconscious? and not really angels?

I don't know. All I can tell is that there is a different state of consciousness to a person and I have contacted many different layers of it and I have even talked with the "super self" of some people, that part of them that is exactly like them but has a wide vision of things that is not clouded. Yet sometimes their languages eludes me.

I have always loved learning languages, all my life, and already at 8, I remember going to the few still existing pavilions of the Universal Exhibition in Montréal, and bought my first language method at the Chinese pavilion which, unfortunately, was almost the only one still really active. It was a very bad book and it took me years to understand why i couldn't learn Chinese with it. It just was not very well done, especially not for a child. So all I ever learned to say was "hello".

My thirst to learn languages had barely started though. I wanted to be able to communicate with all around me and it made me study many languages. Most of them never left the beginner's level and some I have completely forgotten and all I had left were notebooks filled with my writing and words or alphabets that I couldn't even understand anymore.

That easiness I have to learn a new language has always fascinated me as I can grasp early concepts at a very fast speed. Learning vocabulary and deep grammar has always been the problem. I learned many different alphabets from mine and even used to teach Cyrillic to a friend in school so we could communicate using that code while being bored in class. Thankfully teachers didn't speak Russian and had no clue what we were saying.

All that, to come to the conclusion that all my life, right along with my thirst for knowing the meaning of everything, my other commitment was to be able to communicate with the world. Be able to approach anyone and speak in their language. Lack of practice made me lose one language after another and I can barely say I speak or understand Italian anymore and I still need close-captioning to watch anything in English.

This attempt to communicate through languages has failed and I will probably never be the polyglotte I dreamed to be as a child. The only language I seem to connect to that goes beyond words is the one that lives raw and deep inside of us. I seem to be able to help people decipher their emotions, bring to the surface the turmoil and per chance to be able to help them find their own understanding of it.

What I do is all subjective. There is nothing less objective, as emotions keep changing and move and stir. So when I contact an angel for someone, I don't really care who I am really contacting and a part of me understands it is not important as long as it means something meaningful to them, Is it the super ego? All I know is that sometimes, who I contact will give me a name or a source of where they come from and they do so, so I or the person I do it for, understands.  I don't believe they tell me everything. They tell me what is essential. Sometimes, I even hear them talk tongues I have zero idea what it means, like a language that transcends words.

I have seen people use their intellect to get to the universal knowledge, hey, I even was one of them once in my 20's, all proud of my thinking brain, picking at every tiny details of life and now I realize all this bores me to death. I don't want to know so much anymore. I accept I am too small to get it, even if I tried. I don't care if I heal with a placebo effect or the real deal, if I contact the objective Akashic records or the messy unobjective meanderings of a mind. What I am looking for is results. Does it work? Can people feel better? Did they found something inside them that made them a better person or feel better in their bodies? And if I stirred difficult emotions, did I help them find peace?

These are my only contentions anymore. Maybe this is why I don't feel I belong in medium circles. the New Age aspect of what I do doesn't interest me very much anymore. I am not interested even in the how it works or even the why. More it goes, I just want it to become as simple as possible and I don't care if the messages were to use children's words to do so and basic easy example and metaphors to help people find their ways. Didn't Jesus do the same? Always making parables, so the illiterate could understand big concepts they wouldn't even start to understand otherwise?

I am not interested in the complicated anymore. The simpler, the better. I am not sure I quite grasp this change inside me yet, because for those who know me, they know how much my quest for knowledge has been a counterpoint to everything I did all my life.

I am deeply grateful to both my parents who, even if they live hundred of miles apart and don't talk anymore, had both the amazing timing to share their insight on life with me, back to back, one on Friday, the other on Saturday. That, added to the simple life I discover Edgar Cayce led, I am hoping I will find my way too in a manner that best suits me and that brings the best I can out of people.

That man I told about earlier (sorry his name eludes me, I didn't feel it was important last night to commit his name to memory and I find myself not remembering who he was) said that many people think they are contacting Edgar Cayce and were not. that most of it was wishful thinking. If my wishful thinking makes me so happy and gives me that feeling of deep love and discover parts of my being that used to scare me that I now want to embrace, I don't mind calling it that, an active imagination.

Ultimately, the one thing I feel, that seems unwaveringly true, is that we are all one. Him. Me. You. All little bits of mirrors spread all over and we can't seem to remember we belong to the same image and if we do, we can't even seem to agree on what the image really is. So whether or not I am contacting the real soul of Edgar Cayce or my thinking of what it would be, it doesn't really matter in the end as, as long as I contact an aspect of the mirror, I contact all of it at the same time, the vision of it might be adapted to who I am, but why shouldn't it be? How else would it make an impression on me? Maybe this is the way they speak to us too?

I am on 4 hours of sleep today with a whipping records of maybe 14 hours of sleep in the last 4 days. So I apologise if this is winded and makes little sense. I have smiled many time at the idea that Edgar Cayce was called the sleeping prophet and that since I feel he is around I don't sleep. I was told this morning that resistances are trying to leave the body and it makes it very difficult to sleep. I can tell they are leaving at a very fast pace as even me, reading this, I have a hard time believing this is still me.

Sleepless in energies

Energies have climbed up for three days, then stopped without me even noticing. Only did I realize late at night yesterday that it had stopped for good. I feel I have reached a middle plateau and that I need to rest here for awhile. My husband's concern has alarmed me a little, as I have barely slept anything for the last three days and I feel I am hooked on some kind of speed that can't let me sleep. It much  resembles the state one can have when on too much caffeine. But I don't drink coffee or take any energy boosts.  I tried to reassure my husband that I am ok, but I can tell, that even for him there is no understanding in what's happening to me. I can only assume it is due to the energy being incredibly higher then it used to be. As if it's not enough, I also write and type my novel on almost no sleep, incapable of stopping. Something is amiss here and my body is not adapting very well to the change.

I feel I will need to find a way to cope with this, because whatever this is, it's not a fun part of the process. 

Meanwhile the abscess is still healing and I can barely feel it anymore. When I apply the poultice mentally,  it tingles a little and then I can forget about it for hours before I redo it. I almost bought the real ingredients for it instead of buying some food, out of fear, but something strong inside told me to believe, so I am going on blind faith here and trying to see where that will lead me. Mental suggestion is nothing new. Placebo effects either. Yet why aren't we using them more as a way to heal? We accept they are there and side effects of the real deal, but who really goes about to heal themselves with their mind first? Well maybe it doesn't work that good and so I will realize.

I have that deep feeling that Edgar Cayce is following my every steps and looking after me in some kind of way. I feel a deep need to humble myself and explore what I can do with a new outlook. A kinder outlook, deprived of self judgement and fear of what others could think. 

Finding a soul that could share his gift often doing it for free, liberates my heart of a burden I couldn't bear anymore. I have zero idea how I am going to live or survive in the long term of things, but I have the same vision I always had. Do it without artifice, out of kindness and love and I can almost feel, without knowing the how, that it could be possible, for the first time.

Connecting beyond the dead or the living

I didn't keep many records of that dark period in my life, when I wanted to die. I did keep a few tapes I did 14 years ago though, when I recorded myself, reading at first sight, 3 plays written by French play writers. "Berenice" and "Britannicus" by Jean Racine and "Caligula" by Albert Camus.  Those plays are highly featured in the background of my book, as one of the protagonist is an actor who, to his dismay, is slowly becoming the characters he portrays, until he reaches the brinks of dementia.

As I am rewriting that book now and I don't have access to the written plays anymore, I decided to pop in the old tapes and listen to what I did so many years ago. Even though I come from a theater family, having watched hundred of plays and saw my parents teach and play themselves, I am no actor myself. I have no training and never wanted to become one either. One could think I have inherited the talent, but in normal circumstances I am not able to perform the way I did on the tapes. Something more then normal happened then.

Today I listened to "Berenice". There are 6 characters. 4 males and 2 females. Now what floors me is that this was a reading at first sight, with no prior plans, no direction, no idea how the reading would go or how the scenes where following each other and the progression of emotions. Yet, each character has it's own voice, it's own world of emotion and keeps being consistent the whole way.

When listening to the play, it almost never shows  that I am reading it, not having a clue what the next verse or next emotion will be. Everything flows just right as if I knew what I was doing. Characters answer each other in their own voice and in character without any pause creating the effect that there are actually 6 characters in there.

From time to time the magic is broken. I mess up a word or the rhythm of a verse and then I see what I really sound like when it's just me. It sucks. My mom told me today she remembered those tapes I had the courage to show her back then. She said she had liked the rendition and that sometimes she couldn't even recognize my voice. This makes sense to me, as even me I can't recognize most of it as being me. The creepiest thing is when I did Caligula and discovering with each line how crazy he was and feeling those emotions as being mine. I did 20 minutes of that play on tape and got so scared by the result that I stopped there and never finished. It gives me goose bumps every time to hear my own voice, slightly changed, telling the tells of a demented man.

There seems to be no limits to what I can connect to, to feel everything in someone's world. It can be real people, dead people, high level energy beings or characters that don't even really exist but are somehow channeled through me. In a similar way I feel I am channeling the characters of my book as they talk to me and I write. I don't feel like a writer as I can't correct any of it really. I can only correct if the character starts talking again or I hear the narration being whispered to me.

It seems that I connect primarily through emotions. Through touch I can feel people's feelings like there is no barriers between them and me and through feeling and strong emotions for someone the same thing happens.

I am overwhelmed beyond words to realize the strength of those emotions. I am very judgmental with everything I do, I am always very adamant to criticize and pinpoint everything that is wrong.  Yet, when something feels it was channeled through those deep emotions, I develop a deep love for it. I can't see it as being my own only. I know there is more to it that encompasses a world that overwhelms me. That's how I feel with my novel and those taped plays and even Edgar Cayce at the moment. Something that feels way bigger then what I am and I am just trying to open my heart big enough to receive it all.

Bathed in gratitude : My love story

This wonderful feeling of love, that still is within me, is surely helping energies to go up a lot faster then I thought they could. If experience is any indication, those energy boost usually are spread on a period of three days, so I'll see what happens tomorrow.

For now I can report that the abscess has reduced twice in size while still being there and I will continue to apply to the poultice mentally until it disappears and heals completely.

While waiting for energies to stabilize,  feeling so warm and fuzzy inside, I got to think a lot about all the people I have met in my life and brought me happiness. I can't even start to begin to understand how life does it, to make us meet the right people at the right time. People who guide you, help you, support you. I have been blessed with so many individuals who have gravitated around me for little or long periods of time. Their time in my life, even sometimes very small, was essential in making me who I am today. I have thanked people a lot, God not so much, and I think it's time for me to do so.

We are told time and time again that to receive anything good in life you need to be open. That you won't get anything with a closed mind and spirit.

I am a living proof that there is no recipe to that. There is no right or wrong way to pray. I have been closed off, angry, in times of deep depression with no open mind, living through negative emotions and barely feeling any light in my life. Yet, it is in those hours of darkness, when my mind was so small, that I made an ultimatum with God threatening him to give up if he didn't bring the love of my life in my life. Even though I though he had forsaken me for years after that,  he did  answer me right on time when I could not be more closed off inside of me.

My time limit was meaningful to me. He basically had 2 months before the new Millennium as I wouldn't change century knowing I would be alone in the new one too. Just on the cusp of the new year, I went to the woods, near my house and cried my heart out. That's how I entered the new century. Fireworks were popping everywhere in the streets and I was freezing in the woods, walking, feet deep inside the snow, until I reached the river where I had cried so many times and cried a river of my own.

To me, in the small perception I had of things, I was convinced I had been abandoned. That my sincere cry for help, even though angry and messy, had not been heard. I was heartbroken to have to give up, but I did. I stopped looking, I stopped believing. I didn't give up out of spite, but out of hope, There was no more point to life and many mornings did I cry realizing that my prayer to die in my sleep had not been answered either.

It's in that state that I met my husband for the first time. Unbeknownst to me, God had heard my plea and did something, as I discovered my husband's novels online just a few days before the year 2000 hit. I was hung on every word and couldn't read fast enough. I couldn't believe a man like that existed somewhere who could write with such deep emotions that I was touched to my core. I was so intimidated to contact him to say how I loved what he did. He was a big hit on the site I was frequenting and I felt I was contacting a star, yet he was the simplest, shyest soul ever. So unassuming and encouraging me to write too.

We corresponded every Tuesday and Saturday, when he could afford to go to the local library and have access to a computer. Even though I had no romantic interest in him, I cherished those days very much as I knew his emails would lift my spirit up and they did for two more years. He had his share of suffering and was very closed-off. So the result was that we talked a lot about writing, music and things we liked and had in common, but never about our personal life. I barely knew anything about him for two years when I sent him a tape of my songs I had written. Most were in French and some in English, most were very sad as I was pouring my heart out.

He told me that he wept listening to the songs and that for the first time he realized I was a human being and not a stranger far away he talked to every week. We bonded rapidly after that and he told me how he felt and that we should try to make it work. We were thousands of miles away. my spoken English was a mess. How could this even work? It does in movies all the time, but life is not a movie and they scrape over many real issues to make it romantic. I was crippled with doubts and he was already so sure, so strong in what he felt that he was already my anchor while I was worrying about thousands of details (that eventually happened along the way but that we did go through with a lot of love and patience).

Three months later he came to see me and when he came out of the plane, I was scared because I didn't know him. He was a stranger really, until he took me in his arms. Then I knew. Suddenly many fears just vanished. He was my home. Five days later we married under a tree and even though we made it official the next year, on the same day, this is the real wedding for me.

All this happened in times of deep pain for both of us as he had given up on love a long time ago, even before me. My husband timely arrival in my life was not left to chance. Not long after he came along, I started my polarity class and he was there with me when everything came rushing so fast I could barely stand it.

He loves me in ways I can't even begin to love myself the same way. I never understand how he does it. It just is. Contrary to what people might think would be best for me, he is not into the spirit world at all. He is very much down to earth, listen to what I say, but it is not his world at all. He is my anchor though and when I float up there like a balloon, I know I am safe because he is right there if anything happens. He doesn't get what high vibrations are and frequently asks me if I have a cold if I say I am dizzy because of them. Yet he never doubts who I am or what I do.

I asked him yesterday how he felt about me going back to those high energies, if it would disturb him. A legitimate question, as he lives with me and I know it cannot be an easy thing to handle me while I am in those states, or at least so I believe. He simply told me: "But you have always been up there. Nothing new." I told him I didn't do anything for 2 years, but in his mind it didn't matter. Being up there is who I am and nothing could shake his mind.

I once did a message for him from his angel, the only time I ever contacted anything for him. He sat near me, on the bed, the whole time At the end he simply told me: "You wrote the whole way without taking a pause or lifting the pen and there's barely any scratches on the paper". He knows how long it takes me to write anything coherent. Blogs can take me between 1 to 3 hours to write every day. Yet those messages, when they come, they come like a hurricane and I can't stop the flow.

I don't think my husband needed any proof, but he did give a witness account to what I was doing, as I had never seen myself do it before.

I am kind of ashamed to realize, that like for my Native-American guide, I have never really thanked God for what was sent to me during a deep time of need. I have resisted more then mediumnity in my life. I have resisted love too. Resisted to let myself love him completely for so long because we can have drastic differences that are a real challenge. Loving someone deeply is very similar to the kind of love angels and guides give. The more I accept one kind of love the more I accept the other. Accessing a better state of mind, where I can feel my heart open with a thousand doors, I feel so grateful that it also makes me want to cry again. Not of sadness this time, but of joy.

Connecting is like falling in love

Today I feel in love.

I have let fear control me for so long that to feel this huge amount of love in my whole being is overwhelming.

I went to sleep still very dizzy last night. I could barely walk strait and it took me a while to remember I have control over what happens. So I asked for the energy to stop climbing again so I could sleep. Right away the feeling of my head turning stopped. It still took me a bit of time to find enough peace to sleep though but when I did, I slept very deeply. This morning, I still feel slightly dizzy and I can tell the energies are going up again. It's a reasonable speed though and not too invasive, so I'll let it do it's thing for now. I am really aware that yesterday was not optimum. I was too low to do whatever I was trying to do. It was too straining.

This morning though, I woke up with this amazing feeling of being in love. This feeling I had so many times, I remember it very well. It has no lust or passion, just pure love that fills all the cells. I can feel the energy of Edgar Cayce around, diffused, not embodied. And I feel love towards me too. This is so touching and so humbling and I feel so tiny to feel that much.

I have observed that guides have that kind of effect on people. Someone I know has Saint Teresa as a guide and the love coming from her towards that person is very similar to what I feel right now. It's an unbreakable link that usually starts as a teacher/student thing but can very well become a relationship of equals. This love is so overwhelming because of it's unconditional nature, the unwavering feeling that just is every second, even when you don't think about it.

When I started dabbling in this gift my heart was not that open, my head was analyzing every tiny details. I was basically like those doctors who poked at Cayce but with myself. My head was harsh. When I started I learned quite fast I had no guides. No one around me who had the experience of being human. That this was quite rare but I had had no need for any. I was pissed and angry that again I was being different then everybody else and requested a guide. (way to go to be bathe in love energies!) The sweetest man came. To the best of what I could feel he used to be a shaman-healer from a native American background. I never let myself really connect with him, be close to him. I know he is still there, but I need to mend something with him as I had felt abandoned and had the feeling he was a consolation prize to make me shut up.

Well, you can see that higher energies are not always flowing in me! This goes to show that connecting with higher beings doesn't require an open heart. It saddens me though to have spent so much time in virtual combat with them. So even though connecting is not new, it is also new to do it how I do it now. I don't feel I am fighting them, I feel still hesitant and a little afraid, but my head for the most part is at peace and lets my heart take over.

I understand that souls attract each other when they have a similar path or similar obstacles to overcome. They can help each other. Because time and space doesn't exist over there, I also understand that being linked to an old soul that used to live on earth (known or not) is profitable for both souls as they both heal everywhere in time.

It's quite a strange concept as we are so used to seeing time as linear. But there really seems to be no boundaries and what happens now, happens anywhere in time at the same time. So in that regard a soul that comes to guide us can be healed too by learning from us.

I won't go too far in these debates this morning though, feels a little too complicated for my spinning head today!

I don't know how long Edgar Cayce will stay near me. If we have a bit of work to do together or not, but today I'll just accept that his energy is there. I never really just been in an a feeling of gratitude without analyzing it to extreme, so I'll keep it simple and just try to feel the love and give it back. It's quite exhilarating. Like when you first fall in love.

Feelings are way more powerful then words anyway. They make me feel more at ease then transcribing words. The slight dizziness is putting some shadow on it a little, as it is not super fun to feel it, but I don't see how I could avoid it if I need to go up in energies. At least it's not too fast!

Maybe it can be a new beginning for me, to accept without struggling. To keep my head aware, but let my heart do all the work.

First contact after years of denial

I am still dizzy and not all there yet, but this is the first major attempt in two years to connect, so I think I should write about it while it is still fresh.

I have never tried drugs of any kind so I have zero idea what a drug induced altered state feels like, but what I just went through really does feel like an altered state of mind. It's been so long that I forgot how powerful they can be and why it is not an easy thing to balance with real life.

My energies had climbed up reasonably since yesterday. Not very high for me, as I know I can really go up there, but a lot higher then they have been in the last years. When the energy goes up it's pretty much like taking an elevator. Those big ones, for a huge skyscraper. They kinda make you feel a little dizzy. Or also when you fly on a plane and you take off and your body needs to adjust to the new altitude. After a while you feel better up there, but early on it is still weird.

It started today with a friend of mine who send me some pages about 2 mediums: Garret and Cayce. I knew a little bit about Cayce's work but the few pages revealed new information that touched me immensely. Again, someone's hardships and doubts were summed up in so few little words. It floors me every time how it means so little on paper when the reality of it is overwhelming.

A story told about the fact that he agreed to do a trance in front of doctors, got to me the most. He entered a deep sleep and doctors were poking around his brain trying to prove the whole thing was a fake. When it wasn't enough they literally started poking at his body, using hatpins and clipping his nails, treating him like a lab rat, concluding that his lack of physical response was due to the fact that he had learned to harden himself to pain over time. When Cayce woke up from his trance all the pain came rushing and he got angry saying he wouldn't never try to prove anything anymore.

This touches me so much, that something inside me changed. I think I understand that there is nothing to prove to anyone. Those who don't want to believe will never be convinced anyway. It is not science and science will never be satisfied. And strangely I feel ok with that. After struggling for so long, I get that this world that we don't see doesn't need proof. It has no need for proof. Only individuals need it for themselves. Whether for the medium who wants to be sure it is true or the receiver who is actively looking for frauds.

The problem is that the spirit world  is way beyond our comprehension to put in words. My angel's words come back to me when he said that we are not crystal balls. We bring visions at best and looking for perfection in the rendition is pointless. It probably will never happen.

So to come back to my experience, I was deeply touched by that soul who lived so long ago. As it happens sometimes, when I feel very close to a soul, I call it unwillingly. It didn't happen right away but hours later when I was sitting down trying to get my energies up and breathing. I felt an energy come to me. It is always very hard to tell the difference when it's a new energy and I didn't know who it was. I just started to feel very nervous inside, my hands were shaking slightly. I felt somehow that soul was half inside me and I was still myself. But that nervousness was not mine but someone else's. I started writing down what seemed to be Edgar Cayce's words to me. My hand kept twitching and changing the position of the pen as he kept saying it wasn't the right position. I ended up writing in a very weird way and can't even tell half the words I wrote. He apologized for the feelings he made me feel as it was quite uncomfortable. The best I understood is that energy of him was the "old" self, closer to what he was in real life then wherever they are after.

I remember that feeling of "old self" when I contacted Graham Chapman for someone. He had come to me and it smelled so bad. He showed me what he was like alive before we could move on to another state. I had zero idea who the guy was when I contacted him. My culture didn't go as far as Monty Python then, but eventually when I could recognize the energy it did change and I could see a version of him more at peace.

I can tell though that when dead people come it is for guidance and not showmanship. Graham Chapman was haunting the dreams of someone and it turned out that they had a bit of a path to do together to heal things. In a strange way he became a guide for a little bit.

Well, because I have dealt with dead famous people in that manner, I tried to stay open, even though the first reflex I had was: no no no. It is quite intimidating talking to someone who has a name that means something and I am always afraid I am just making it up like wishful thinking.

Well wishful thinking doesn't make a soul stick to you, so I would scratch that one. That's really what happened though. I couldn't shake him up and make him go away. So I kept shaking a bit, feeling all nervous inside. I thought: "ok, I haven't eaten much today, must be why." So I ate. I watched something for 40 minutes and realized it hadn't left me. It had nothing to do with needing food, it was the soul still stuck to me!

I could tell it wasn't a bad energy or a leech or something of an ugly nature, like I had felt before (Entities that defy all logic), just someone who wouldn't let go. So I asked gently and it didn't go away. He did go away once I mentioned that if he was in the light he should do as I asked. As I felt guilty to have shoved him away I apologized myself, which made him come back. And he was stuck to me again! Eventually he did leave and got replaced by a higher version of himself.

Now, this is where you can tell I have zero idea what I am dealing with here. I don't claim to have any great knowledge or understanding. All I can tell is that souls over there seem to have not one aspect but many. Like mirrors. That version I talked to felt a lot more wise and enlightened. He said it was a cluster of souls. Not just his but many and in that state they could feel closer to God (or the main energy source).

To the best I can understand I think he was telling me he could guide me and teach me things. At that point I was starting to feel incredibly dizzy and tired. My body was vibrating so fast my angel told me it was really too hard for me to keep up that high. So I went on the bed and while I was slowly starting to go down, the cluster-Cayce entity (sorry I have zero idea how to call him) told me he could teach me a new way to heal for me.

I have an abscess on a tooth that needs healing and I can't afford a dentist so I have to heal it the best I can with natural ways. I read about a poultice that works but I can't afford the ingredients for it. So cluster-Cayce made me do a mental incision of the abscess, clean it by sucking up all the infection away and apply the poultice mentally. He told me that the body only needs to believe it has the poultice on to heal, doesn't need the real thing. I still need to tend to the poultice as if it were real and that it would act the exact same way as the real deal.

After that I basically fell down an elevator shaft and got so tired that I could barely move. Well, I have zero idea if it will work or not, but it is worth a shot. I have no other solutions anyway.

So here you have it. After 2 years of refusing to contact anything I got to make a small contact earlier for a friend and got this huge hammer on my head, as I still feel weird and un-phased even a few hours later.

I read that Edgar Cayce could do up to 8 readings a day at one point and said it would kill him. Well if what I felt today is any indication I understand why. This is crazy energy going on. I am sure practice makes it easier, but still it is quite a toll on the body.

If ever I don't show up tomorrow, it is probably because I am recuperating.

I did do two blogs today though, so hope it compensates!

Have a good day everybody, my head is still in a weird state so I'll call it a night!

Celebrating the unsung artist

Yesterday, someone told me they lost a friend that committed suicide. She was a painter, wrote poetry and sang beautifully I am told. Even though that person might not know how much I, a stranger, to her and her friend, got touched by her story, I decided to devote this blog to her.

Suicide among artists and people who feel different and can't find their way in this world touches me beyond words. I have thought of giving up so often in my life and had close ones really close to giving up too. It can be a harsh world to feel that we can't live as who we are in it. It can be hard to keep faith and hope as we don't understand why things work or don't work for us.

Part of my anger with God stemmed from that. If that energy was a loving one, how could it not do everything to ensure I would be happy when I did all I could to shine through. On the other side of that anger I don't have any answers. I try to keep faith because that's the only way I know I can stay alive. I believe as a necessity more then real faith probably. But I am still mending.

I watched America's got talent this morning, as even though the glitter of the show gets on my nerves, it allows people to come out of their shells and show who they are in front of others. One thing that got to me was how much performers will hang on every words that the judges are saying. If they say nice things then they believe they have a shot at life and being who they are. If the judges don't like it, they deflate and their being deflates with them.

I have been on that side of the fence, doing piano competitions and ensembles, singing in front of crowds. The need for love and approval is a very human thing we have and we make the mistake to thing only a few people hold our lives in their hands. But how can we do different in a world that celebrates the rich and famous but not the unknown ones. If you are unknown you have a shot now, which is an amazing progress, but it is done through competitions of many kind that decides who is better then who. We still can't be just who we are, we need to compete to have a right to exist and live off of our art as artists.

We are also expecting artists to have tough skins. Be tough and take the pressure. If you have nerves, you don't have the career.  But nerves have nothing to do with having talent. Having a tough skin for a performer is a nice thing to have but it's like asking a writer to be a publisher at the same time. Artists are expected to have the whole package deal and not being able to control nerves is seen as something bad. In Quebec, there was a singer who got very famous hiding behind a veil during his performances. Couldn't handle being seen.

Cindy Chang is an amazing example. This woman sings like an angel. Was afraid to sing in front of people her whole life. Can't tell her parents she sings. Yet she has this amazing voice coming from such a tiny body. (Please feel free to go to the singing part. I usually skip the glitter part myself.)

In her second audition, nerves got to her and she got rejected. I sincerely hope she won't give up, because 3 people can't see past nerves. This need for tough artists is completely against what an artist is. They need to stay sensitive and close to their emotions. Does it make them unpredictable? Yes. I don't know who decided that artists had to be robots who were always perfect and unwavering. Because it has been seen this way for so long, many think that it is how it should be. But really it is just trying to fit emotions in a very controlled space. Making them smaller then what they could become.

Even though choosing to be an artist now is a hard thing to do, I feel deep down, that many people can't live the way society wants us to anymore. Many have talents that don't want to shut up anymore. Many are willing to follow a path least taken and live with feeble means if it at least means they won't have to put who they are in a closet. Still it is a sad thing that it has to be done in such poverty.

Over history we celebrate artists, most of them lived poor and in sadness. I remember being shocked in literature classes when we would study the words of a poet, glance very fast at the hardship of his life and analyze a poem for 5 hours word by word dissecting his entrails right in the class room. I remember at 16 wanting to shout to the teacher: "He wanted to die, I am sure he never planned every tiny detail you see in that poem. They probably just happened because the emotions made it that way."

We look at dead artists like a romantic thing. He suffered so it was beautiful. But how much more beautiful would it have been if that person had had a chance to shine really? The role of artists is not just to show us the pain. But how often do they have the chance to show more?

We celebrate the unknown soldier, knowing that when praying for them we pray for all soldiers that were faceless, nameless, but were human beings and meaning something to someone. Today I want to pray for all the unknown artists who died in squalor or poverty, died because they couldn't find a way to be themselves in this world. May they rest in peace and find their way wherever they are now,

I also pray for all the living artists that are struggling and afraid that nothing will ever happen to them. Those who gave up so many years ago, who put their art in their drawers thinking it wasn't good enough. My heart goes to you all.

I don't know the name of that girl who died two days ago. But I know, without knowing her that she probably also wanted love and happiness and a chance to share what she did. May you rest in peace. My heart sings to you.

Climbing up in energies

After the debacle of feeling so much fear and insecurities I realized I can't stay there. There is no way anything good can come from those energies. So I asked to have my energies go up. It is quite similar as wanting to get on a roof. You won't get there if you don't use a ladder and somehow I have to increase my energies if I want to reach my own roof where I feel comfortable connecting.

I have a few tricks I want to share for those who are interested. These work for me, so it doesn't mean it works for everybody the same. You might have to adapt them or find other ways that fit you better.

Drinking energized water

The first one is power drink. I am lucky that I have so much magnetism in my body that this one is really easy for me to do. Magnetism levels are different for everyone. You might have a lot without knowing it. It has nothing to do with spiritual attunement. It is just a property in the body to be hypersensitive to magnetic forces.

There are probably many ways to check this and see how high your level is, I don't do it to measure it as I don't really care what the number would be. I use it either to heal or to do power drinks.

To test it, you can take a glass of water and simply hold it in your hands for 5-10 minutes. I have been told that glass was important as it was much more conducive, but I have the same result with plastic (it might depend on people)

Now you can try a dry run where you do nothing to the water and just wait.
You can try to visualize the water getting filled with light
You can imagine you are a magician concocting a magical brew that will heal everything.
You can do it while meditating or watching t.v.

It is up to you what parameters work best for you. For some the power of their mind will also influence the water, for others they won't need it.

While holding the glass you might realize that your palms are attracted to each other on each side of the glass, various feeling of strong attraction. Might also be very quiet. After 5-10 minutes drink the water. Magnetized water has a slight iron-metallic taste to it.

I am no chemist or physicist so I don't really understand the science behind it, but there is some. My brain doesn't grasp those concepts very well so I stay on a very feel level. Fell free to look into it more to get a better understanding of how it works. What I know is that is works amazingly well and fills the body with charged molecules that give a kick. It elevates the energy in the whole body at the same time.

Don't feel bad if you can't do it. Maybe someone close to you can. I have done jugs of water with the same result, it changes the way we perceive water once we know it can be so powerful.

Using the energy of ether to climb up in energies.

The other way to climb up in energy is to use a a very simple hands on technique. We use it in polarity, but I am told they have something similar in Reiki. To access higher energies we need to help the body to remember what it is like to be light and fly without gravity. I used to do this every day to my dog who lived up to be a whooping 19 and a half with this technique. He was blind and had arthritis, could not walk much if I didn't do this to him, then even the day he died, he was still running.

In polarity we use the basic elements of nature to balance the energy in the body. We balance ether when there is a need to connect to the spiritual and a need for joy. This is a simplified way to look at it, but basically working on the energy of ether in the body will bring us back to what we are when we don't have a body. It can be a bad idea to do it when what we need is roots, but it is very useful when needing to take a break and get some perspective. Which I really need right now!

There is a very more complex way to go about it to work on this energy in details, especially for people afflicted with arthritis, but I will show you here the basics, the easy way to go about it that works very well too even though it is not as deep a work on that energy. Basically what we will do is activate all the main joints in the body. You can do it to yourself or ask someone to do it for you. The time you stay on each joint varies. I usually switch when I feel the joint has been cleared, but 2-3 minutes is a safe way to do it to start with until your perception develops and you can tell when to change yourself. Some joints might need more time then others.

Kids and animals have way less resistance then us and the energy flows way better and faster for them so 1 minute for each joint is way enough.

We start by putting one hand on each ankles. Keep the pressure very light and your hands soft, molding the contours of the ankles.

Then go to the knees and repeat the same thing.

Then the hips.

There you can stop a little just to see the difference between the top and the bottom of your body.

Then you can move to the wrist, the elbows and the shoulders. You can finish by using your thumbs and place them in the articulation of the jaw. To find this one you can exaggerate the gesture of masticating and find the right spot not so far from your ears. This spot usually has a lot of tension and releasing the tension there can have multiple purposes, including better dental care as many of us tend to grind too much.

Having someone being able to perform this for us is always a better solution than to doing it ourselves. It gives us the chance to let go and experience everything. In auto-porarity you might discover you need to stay longer on each joint to get the same result as we have to generate all the energy ourselves.

These are very starting things to do for me to get my energy up and as I said it works differently on everybody. I am hypersensitive when having my energy worked on and I know it is not the same for everyone. And more importantly if you do it with love it will change everything, as a technique is just that: a technique.

So this is my program today. Try to open up and slowly climb my way back up. I have some jitters because there is fear that when I am up there I won't know how to do my daily life at the same time, but well I have to start somewhere and as long as I stay down here it won't happen.

Falling in the same holes

It is difficult to show so much vulnerability. I almost wish I had deleted that last post yesterday. I know it is part of the path though. The messy part. Doubts and insecurities have a very dark overtone and when I fall in their hole again I am reminded of that old story time after time.

A man goes in a street, doesn't see a hole on the ground and falls in it.
A man goes in the same street, remembers there's a hole, but doesn't remember where and falls in it.
A man goes in that same street again, sees the hole and falls in it.
A man goes in that same street, sees the hole and walks around it without falling in it.
A man changes street to avoid the street with the hole in it.

I seem to be stuck on seeing the hole and falling in it over and over. It seems to take me a long time to understand that my fears and insecurities have nothing good to give me. This fear though is quite powerful and has been there for quite a while and to be honest it doesn't plague me at every waking moment of my life. But to avoid the fear I usually avoid other working mediums altogether, which I am not sure qualifies as simply "changing street" in the story and more like avoiding the issue.

When it comes to working mediums and me, two things come to mind. Money issues and the need to fit in. I see how hard it is for me to imagine getting paid for it and I see working mediums have no problems at all with it. I have discussed how hard it is for me to put a price on what I do here How can one price an Angel's words. When I see working mediums having no problems with it I have to admit I am either jealous or envious. I wish it were that easy for me and it's not. It is because, ultimately, if I could live this way, I would all do it for free. Time and time again I try to force myself to learn to put a price on something I don't think should have one. But then how would I live?

So when I see someone making a book about what is basically tabloids of the rich and famous in the afterlife, and getting paid for it, my brain thinks very small and doesn't understand how people can pay for that. Everything becomes so small in my being that judgment will come and jealousy. It is quite sad not to be able to rejoice at someone else's success or at people's happiness on receiving such news on their favorite idols.

"Why should I even care?" My husband who's very pragmatic has no clue why it is so difficult for me. He keeps telling me that I am not them, they are not me, it shouldn't change anything. They do their lives I do mine. And in the simplicity of his response there is not much I can say. He is right, yet this doesn't go away.

I think it's because of that second issue: the need to fit in. The need to be surrounded by peers who do similar things and with whom I can exchange. When my heart opens up, I am not threatened by working mediums. I am happy for them. But it doesn't change the fact that I feel very alone in that world.  I always feel like I gravitate on the side but don't really belong there. I feel too different. I usually find more comfort near mediums who are starting out then those who are making a living out of it. Maybe it's normal. I am starting out myself. Yet why should money change anything in the kind of medium you become? Shouldn't those with more experience be a beacon and teachers that make you want to aspire to be like them? I haven't met many medium who give me that kind of aspiration. Most of them make me fear to be paid because I don't want to become like them. Fact is they probably were like that before getting paid. I don't think money changes who we are inside, just highlights it better.

My experience with a working medium 

A few years back I went to see a medium who came to my town, got a very pricey appointment with her while I was very poor, because I wanted to give it a chance and see how it could feel like to have a life like hers. Making presentations in front of an audience first and then having one on one moments when she had trances.

She was a nice young lady, about my age then, who was teaching very basic informations I already knew during the presentation part, but never mentioned once they were simplified versions to help people understand. She was advertising the whole thing as if it were all there was to it. She was also selling a book who was basically the written version of the presentation part. I think I was mesmerized at first because she was making a living doing something close to what I could do, but the whole thing made me feel very uncomfortable at the same time.

When I got to the one on one portion, she did her trance for me and I had forgotten to bring a tape so I don't remember much of it. And afterwards, as she had learned during our moment together I was getting messages she asked me if I could do one for her  Being so eager to help, I gave up portions of my payed time with her to contact her guide for her. She raved about the results and was so happy that she didn't realize that during that time that was supposed to be mine the tables had turned and I was there for her instead.

She did give me a small reduction on the price of the trance for the time I had spent doing the message. but the overall sensation was not that I met a medium. I had met a medium in need of a medium herself. Which also showed me that underneath all the confidence she was showing during her conference part, she was very much human like when in need of answers herself.

I remember being very grateful for that interview with her. I don't feel the trance helped me at all, except maybe to show me that written messages had a great quality afterwards. You could keep them indefinitely as they were written! Keep them near you, reread them, bring them anywhere. So it helped me accept that I didn't have trances.

I also got a chance to see from a small window that this is something I could do, help someone on the go. I just didn't like the settings. It was too formal and too showmanship like in the presentation part. I think the medium was right were she needed to be though. It fitted her, just not me.

Because I am such a perfectionist it is a very difficult thing for me to accept that some people are not. It makes me practice becoming a reed and be able to be more pliable, not as stiff.

We are billions of people on this Earth and even though we all need the same basic things, in the details we are quite different. There is a need for a varied kind of mediums to fit everyone. I think when I solve my problems with money and my need to fit in that issue won't be an issue anymore. The more the merrier. After all it is not a contest with one winner. It's just easy still for me to be overwhelmed by the issue of working mediums. Making myself believe that I have to use their practices if I want to survive.

Whatever happens of me I just hope I can learn eventually that who I am, the way I am is o.k,  I don't need to become someone else to be loved or to make a living or to belong anywhere.

Thanks again to those who are reading and hope that you too find happiness in what makes you shine!