I am so proud! I have to say that as I get closer to accepting my abilities, I see the progress I have done since I started this blog! It is way more impressive than I first thought.
I have actually some reluctance that are fading away and some that are completely gone! I think the most important one is that I really don't feel crazy anymore. Yay! I understand that what is in me just is and I don't feel the need to shut it up anymore. I can't believe after all that time I can finally say that. Woohoo!
I have also been starting dialogues again with the invisible realm without writing any of it. (So not to feel too implicated and tame it again). I am pleased to feel how much I don't spend half the discussion arguing that it might be fake. This relieves the brain a lot! I can just be in the moment and enjoy what happens.
I feel that growing feeling of love expanding every day. I can tell, that this is what feeds me right now. The more I feel surrounded with love the less I have to work to connect. It just happens like before. I open the gate and there it is.
I also understand better how the process of receiving messages works for me and why it was so hard to believe they were true before. I was always afraid I was making them up. But I saw how it happens for me. How it always worked since the beginning. Before a message starts, I get the gist of what they are about to say in one second. I know it will take pages to explain, but for that second, it is crystal clear for me. I know what they want to say. Now, this can get pretty confusing while I receive the message word by word as everything feels familiar, as if I have all that wisdom on my own, thus making me feel I am making it up as I go. But it is borrowed knowledge for a little bit. I have access to it then it fades away.
Another interesting fact is that, while I refused to receive messages in the past two years, I was still getting those one second flash thingies without knowing what they were. I just remember many times starting to talk as if I knew what I was talking about on subjects I had no deep knowledge of. Taking a serious and very driven tone of voice (though still my voice) explaining things without a trance. I was being me the whole way, but sometimes I would stop and apologize for being so driven as I didn't know how I could know and see things for people without really knowing.
I was still basically giving messages through my own voice. Not knowing what I was doing, until once I started wondering if it wasn't them talking through me. Feeding me the knowledge of what needed to be said or giving me the assurance in my voice. Then I was choosing the words to say it on my own.
I am starting to get the fact that, pretty much like the sound I hear in my head (discussed in The path so far) I have some control on what I hear. I was explained that as long as I stay on the proper path they won't argue with words I chose to change. But will always bring me back if I stray too far. I get that this is a collaboration and that I am not a tool (and God knows I felt like a tool all these years!). I am not meant to do this with my brain on snooze (or I would get trances), but I think they like when I challenge them and press them on issue that are not clear. I will have to put this into practice and see how it reflects on paper when I actually try to transcribe their thoughts.
What is still very hard:
The more I am making research on psychics and people with paranormal abilities, the more I don't know how to fit in that world.
Fitting in. A very familiar need for me.
I have a strong need for a community, people to share this with and reality strikes. Even though I am doing this blog, nothing much has changed in that aspect. I don't even think people really read it and I am not too keen on big promotion as this relates to sales and I know my limits. I am just not good at it. I don't like imposing my blog on others when I visit other mediums sites. I guess I don't feel good enough for those circles. I don't think I can really make a difference. Low self-esteem due to extreme harsh judgement. Well this one will still need some time to heal I think
There are many other details to my reluctance I haven't even touched yet, but in 22 days it's not bad to see how much has changed, not counting the creative side of writing that happened and is not even related to mediumnity.
If anyone out there is reading this, thank you!
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