This wonderful feeling of love, that still is within me, is surely helping energies to go up a lot faster then I thought they could. If experience is any indication, those energy boost usually are spread on a period of three days, so I'll see what happens tomorrow.
For now I can report that the abscess has reduced twice in size while still being there and I will continue to apply to the poultice mentally until it disappears and heals completely.
While waiting for energies to stabilize, feeling so warm and fuzzy inside, I got to think a lot about all the people I have met in my life and brought me happiness. I can't even start to begin to understand how life does it, to make us meet the right people at the right time. People who guide you, help you, support you. I have been blessed with so many individuals who have gravitated around me for little or long periods of time. Their time in my life, even sometimes very small, was essential in making me who I am today. I have thanked people a lot, God not so much, and I think it's time for me to do so.
We are told time and time again that to receive anything good in life you need to be open. That you won't get anything with a closed mind and spirit.
I am a living proof that there is no recipe to that. There is no right or wrong way to pray. I have been closed off, angry, in times of deep depression with no open mind, living through negative emotions and barely feeling any light in my life. Yet, it is in those hours of darkness, when my mind was so small, that I made an ultimatum with God threatening him to give up if he didn't bring the love of my life in my life. Even though I though he had forsaken me for years after that, he did answer me right on time when I could not be more closed off inside of me.
My time limit was meaningful to me. He basically had 2 months before the new Millennium as I wouldn't change century knowing I would be alone in the new one too. Just on the cusp of the new year, I went to the woods, near my house and cried my heart out. That's how I entered the new century. Fireworks were popping everywhere in the streets and I was freezing in the woods, walking, feet deep inside the snow, until I reached the river where I had cried so many times and cried a river of my own.
To me, in the small perception I had of things, I was convinced I had been abandoned. That my sincere cry for help, even though angry and messy, had not been heard. I was heartbroken to have to give up, but I did. I stopped looking, I stopped believing. I didn't give up out of spite, but out of hope, There was no more point to life and many mornings did I cry realizing that my prayer to die in my sleep had not been answered either.
It's in that state that I met my husband for the first time. Unbeknownst to me, God had heard my plea and did something, as I discovered my husband's novels online just a few days before the year 2000 hit. I was hung on every word and couldn't read fast enough. I couldn't believe a man like that existed somewhere who could write with such deep emotions that I was touched to my core. I was so intimidated to contact him to say how I loved what he did. He was a big hit on the site I was frequenting and I felt I was contacting a star, yet he was the simplest, shyest soul ever. So unassuming and encouraging me to write too.
We corresponded every Tuesday and Saturday, when he could afford to go to the local library and have access to a computer. Even though I had no romantic interest in him, I cherished those days very much as I knew his emails would lift my spirit up and they did for two more years. He had his share of suffering and was very closed-off. So the result was that we talked a lot about writing, music and things we liked and had in common, but never about our personal life. I barely knew anything about him for two years when I sent him a tape of my songs I had written. Most were in French and some in English, most were very sad as I was pouring my heart out.
He told me that he wept listening to the songs and that for the first time he realized I was a human being and not a stranger far away he talked to every week. We bonded rapidly after that and he told me how he felt and that we should try to make it work. We were thousands of miles away. my spoken English was a mess. How could this even work? It does in movies all the time, but life is not a movie and they scrape over many real issues to make it romantic. I was crippled with doubts and he was already so sure, so strong in what he felt that he was already my anchor while I was worrying about thousands of details (that eventually happened along the way but that we did go through with a lot of love and patience).
Three months later he came to see me and when he came out of the plane, I was scared because I didn't know him. He was a stranger really, until he took me in his arms. Then I knew. Suddenly many fears just vanished. He was my home. Five days later we married under a tree and even though we made it official the next year, on the same day, this is the real wedding for me.
All this happened in times of deep pain for both of us as he had given up on love a long time ago, even before me. My husband timely arrival in my life was not left to chance. Not long after he came along, I started my polarity class and he was there with me when everything came rushing so fast I could barely stand it.
He loves me in ways I can't even begin to love myself the same way. I never understand how he does it. It just is. Contrary to what people might think would be best for me, he is not into the spirit world at all. He is very much down to earth, listen to what I say, but it is not his world at all. He is my anchor though and when I float up there like a balloon, I know I am safe because he is right there if anything happens. He doesn't get what high vibrations are and frequently asks me if I have a cold if I say I am dizzy because of them. Yet he never doubts who I am or what I do.
I asked him yesterday how he felt about me going back to those high energies, if it would disturb him. A legitimate question, as he lives with me and I know it cannot be an easy thing to handle me while I am in those states, or at least so I believe. He simply told me: "But you have always been up there. Nothing new." I told him I didn't do anything for 2 years, but in his mind it didn't matter. Being up there is who I am and nothing could shake his mind.
I once did a message for him from his angel, the only time I ever contacted anything for him. He sat near me, on the bed, the whole time At the end he simply told me: "You wrote the whole way without taking a pause or lifting the pen and there's barely any scratches on the paper". He knows how long it takes me to write anything coherent. Blogs can take me between 1 to 3 hours to write every day. Yet those messages, when they come, they come like a hurricane and I can't stop the flow.
I don't think my husband needed any proof, but he did give a witness account to what I was doing, as I had never seen myself do it before.
I am kind of ashamed to realize, that like for my Native-American guide, I have never really thanked God for what was sent to me during a deep time of need. I have resisted more then mediumnity in my life. I have resisted love too. Resisted to let myself love him completely for so long because we can have drastic differences that are a real challenge. Loving someone deeply is very similar to the kind of love angels and guides give. The more I accept one kind of love the more I accept the other. Accessing a better state of mind, where I can feel my heart open with a thousand doors, I feel so grateful that it also makes me want to cry again. Not of sadness this time, but of joy.
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