It is difficult to show so much vulnerability. I almost wish I had deleted that last post yesterday. I know it is part of the path though. The messy part. Doubts and insecurities have a very dark overtone and when I fall in their hole again I am reminded of that old story time after time.
A man goes in a street, doesn't see a hole on the ground and falls in it.
A man goes in the same street, remembers there's a hole, but doesn't remember where and falls in it.
A man goes in that same street again, sees the hole and falls in it.
A man goes in that same street, sees the hole and walks around it without falling in it.
A man changes street to avoid the street with the hole in it.
I seem to be stuck on seeing the hole and falling in it over and over. It seems to take me a long time to understand that my fears and insecurities have nothing good to give me. This fear though is quite powerful and has been there for quite a while and to be honest it doesn't plague me at every waking moment of my life. But to avoid the fear I usually avoid other working mediums altogether, which I am not sure qualifies as simply "changing street" in the story and more like avoiding the issue.
When it comes to working mediums and me, two things come to mind. Money issues and the need to fit in. I see how hard it is for me to imagine getting paid for it and I see working mediums have no problems at all with it. I have discussed how hard it is for me to put a price on what I do here How can one price an Angel's words. When I see working mediums having no problems with it I have to admit I am either jealous or envious. I wish it were that easy for me and it's not. It is because, ultimately, if I could live this way, I would all do it for free. Time and time again I try to force myself to learn to put a price on something I don't think should have one. But then how would I live?
So when I see someone making a book about what is basically tabloids of the rich and famous in the afterlife, and getting paid for it, my brain thinks very small and doesn't understand how people can pay for that. Everything becomes so small in my being that judgment will come and jealousy. It is quite sad not to be able to rejoice at someone else's success or at people's happiness on receiving such news on their favorite idols.
"Why should I even care?" My husband who's very pragmatic has no clue why it is so difficult for me. He keeps telling me that I am not them, they are not me, it shouldn't change anything. They do their lives I do mine. And in the simplicity of his response there is not much I can say. He is right, yet this doesn't go away.
I think it's because of that second issue: the need to fit in. The need to be surrounded by peers who do similar things and with whom I can exchange. When my heart opens up, I am not threatened by working mediums. I am happy for them. But it doesn't change the fact that I feel very alone in that world. I always feel like I gravitate on the side but don't really belong there. I feel too different. I usually find more comfort near mediums who are starting out then those who are making a living out of it. Maybe it's normal. I am starting out myself. Yet why should money change anything in the kind of medium you become? Shouldn't those with more experience be a beacon and teachers that make you want to aspire to be like them? I haven't met many medium who give me that kind of aspiration. Most of them make me fear to be paid because I don't want to become like them. Fact is they probably were like that before getting paid. I don't think money changes who we are inside, just highlights it better.
My experience with a working medium
A few years back I went to see a medium who came to my town, got a very pricey appointment with her while I was very poor, because I wanted to give it a chance and see how it could feel like to have a life like hers. Making presentations in front of an audience first and then having one on one moments when she had trances.
She was a nice young lady, about my age then, who was teaching very basic informations I already knew during the presentation part, but never mentioned once they were simplified versions to help people understand. She was advertising the whole thing as if it were all there was to it. She was also selling a book who was basically the written version of the presentation part. I think I was mesmerized at first because she was making a living doing something close to what I could do, but the whole thing made me feel very uncomfortable at the same time.
When I got to the one on one portion, she did her trance for me and I had forgotten to bring a tape so I don't remember much of it. And afterwards, as she had learned during our moment together I was getting messages she asked me if I could do one for her Being so eager to help, I gave up portions of my payed time with her to contact her guide for her. She raved about the results and was so happy that she didn't realize that during that time that was supposed to be mine the tables had turned and I was there for her instead.
She did give me a small reduction on the price of the trance for the time I had spent doing the message. but the overall sensation was not that I met a medium. I had met a medium in need of a medium herself. Which also showed me that underneath all the confidence she was showing during her conference part, she was very much human like when in need of answers herself.
I remember being very grateful for that interview with her. I don't feel the trance helped me at all, except maybe to show me that written messages had a great quality afterwards. You could keep them indefinitely as they were written! Keep them near you, reread them, bring them anywhere. So it helped me accept that I didn't have trances.
I also got a chance to see from a small window that this is something I could do, help someone on the go. I just didn't like the settings. It was too formal and too showmanship like in the presentation part. I think the medium was right were she needed to be though. It fitted her, just not me.
Because I am such a perfectionist it is a very difficult thing for me to accept that some people are not. It makes me practice becoming a reed and be able to be more pliable, not as stiff.
We are billions of people on this Earth and even though we all need the same basic things, in the details we are quite different. There is a need for a varied kind of mediums to fit everyone. I think when I solve my problems with money and my need to fit in that issue won't be an issue anymore. The more the merrier. After all it is not a contest with one winner. It's just easy still for me to be overwhelmed by the issue of working mediums. Making myself believe that I have to use their practices if I want to survive.
Whatever happens of me I just hope I can learn eventually that who I am, the way I am is o.k, I don't need to become someone else to be loved or to make a living or to belong anywhere.
Thanks again to those who are reading and hope that you too find happiness in what makes you shine!
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