The main Jedi Master in it said something that's been nagging at the back of my mind since.
"The path to the truth is very long
Only those close to death will learn their true self
It is the will of the Force:
Once one understands one's true self, one stops existing as a unit.
For that reason, I'm not in haste to get there (smiles)"
For as long as I can remember, understanding the meaning of life was all that consumed me. As a child I started looking very far away into the stars, trying to understand what was surrounding us. As a teenager, when other girls in my school were writing poems for class about love or lost love, I made a poem called "Why" and every waking moment of my life had that word printed all over my mind then.
Understanding this world has been my quest for so long that when understanding the world wasn't enough anymore I had to delve inside me and understand every tiny minutiae of my own self. I filled diaries, and when diaries were too small, I filled 3 inches binders, always on the quest to understand.
This incessant obsession with finding the ultimate truth has been such a motor that I think it has tainted the way I see the spirit world too. The way I have been with them has been similar to my own exploration with the human world and myself. I haven't been receiving this gift with an open heart, but with a narrow-minded mind that needed to understand them as if I were in a lab and they were rats performing for me so I could take notes and observe behavior.
I am harsh there with myself, it's true it's not only that, but partially it is and I can see now how it has tainted everything.
To be over-analytical and letting my brain run everything has been a deterrent to connecting with the heart instead. It made me forget that the journey is more important then the destination. A lesson I learned through gaming.
About 2 years ago now, I started playing online games. Like most things in my life, it was a strong pulsion that I couldn't resist. It was very hard to accept to let go and play in a world where playing is a distraction, a side dish, not your main course. I made it my life and was amazed to see fast results spilling over to my real life.
When I started playing I basically was helping anything that was moving and asking and begging with no limits. I got abused and met people that challenged the core belief that everyone is good deep inside. I also met amazing, generous folks that made me learn more about paying forward and learning to accept help when you are weak, knowing that when you get stronger you will give back.
The need to please was so strong that it fed on every interaction with people. The wonderful thing about being surrounded by so many different people, is that I have met types of characters I had never met in my life. People that made me want to become a better person or to develop some backbone. It took awhile, but eventually I could say no, I could refuse to help the people who were leeches, was learning to become strong on my own.
This entire time playing has been difficult to share with others because it was so intense and so consuming. I basically was in a life training camp learning how to interact with every type of human being and how to defend, protect myself and how to still let shine through all of it, who I really am.
I had so much resistance to accept that playing was the way for me. How could I reconcile that instead of working hard like most people do, I was just having fun all day long. It was also hard with my father who didn't get that for awhile. I think he did when he saw how better it made me feel, and how I was getting happier and more affirmed. Still it is not a proud thing to have to say "all I do is play". I felt like the grasshopper in the Jean de la Fontaine's Fable "the Ant and the Grasshopper". The ant works so hard and the grasshopper sings all summer long with no care in the world but being happy. When winter comes the grasshopper is hungry and the ant just tells it to dance without helping it. Somehow I felt that all this playing would slap me back on the other cheek, that one day, I would have to pay for not having done my duty to work. So far, what I see is the contrary. I see the world expanding, the need to give back in the real world pounding and a comforting sense of tranquility, knowing deep down, that what I did had to be done to get better.
It can be so hard to accept that healing comes in many forms. It doesn't have to be in a hospital, it doesn't have to be painful.
I can tell that every step of the way I was guided there. Guided to meet amazing people who all changed my life and inspired me in ways that I couldn't even believe were possible.
This makes me come full circle with the beginning of this post.
Somehow my brain has been a busy one all its life. Buzzing away like a crazy bee that can't shut up. I was the ant of thinking. Working all the time. And quite contrary to the Fable, I felt I had to learn to be a grasshopper. Learn to enjoy life, sing, dance, learn through fun means, that life is more then work, more then understanding.
The Jedi Master words made a very strong impression on me. They might come from a script, but their meaning is a liberation for me. Almost like a permission to let go. To give the brain a very well deserved vacation while my heart can start to take over. At least I hope so. Seems to me it would be a very more enjoybale way to live life.
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