I have no contention to knowledge

I have no contention in learning the secrets of the universe anymore. I must confess that at one point I did, for a very long time. But lately, I can see myself so small, I not only know I will never get the answers I am looking for in this form, but I don't really want them anymore. either

I think the change is due to the people surrounding me. I realize the more it goes, that man looks for answers everywhere and can't see so often the tiny things surrounding him. What is the use of understanding everything if my heart can't be open to sing at every details around me?

I have noticed lately how my parents have changed. They both have their lives away from each other and it's been a long time that way. I have seen them both struggle and I see them both find peace and contentment not out of any knowledge. Their deep wisdom I can feel emanating from them comes from the simple fact of living life for what it is now.

My mom's dream had always been to see her name in neon's light. She has amazing talent, yet her life has been spent in the shadows, not earning any real reputation. After so many struggles, I see her now at 68, young at heart and not looking her age, living in contentment, only from the nature that surrounds her. She discovered Thoreau and can't stand the seek for fame anymore. Her only ambition is to live life, a simple life and make sure she is in contact with the nature that she surrounded herself with in the last year.

Similarly, my father at 73, has nothing of an old man. He travels, keeps his mind active, even though his body aged, his voice still has the same dynamic it always had. He still sounds young. Even though he still loves entering debates about society and everything that is wrong in it, subject that used to be a source of fire between us in the past, he doesn't have the need to win an argument anymore and I can listen to him with glee even. He has found a peace of mind that I never saw him have before.

Both my parents are in excellent health, both convinced that they won't get sick. My mom said that finally for the first time of her life she has found people who don't think she is crazy when she says that we don't have to die from sickness but that we can die of old age. My father on his end is saying that when he will be 80, and still not sick, people maybe will understand that it is possible and he wants to show them it can be done.

How did they sprung such an hypochondriac daughter in me, I don't know. Maybe being away from them and surrounded by people who take medicine every day I have lost that hope. I have seen a lot of pain in the last few years and people who don't have that outlook on life. It is hard to keep believing.

Yesterday, I read a few pages about a man who claims he can read people's lives through the Akashic records (which, I am told, are the universal library that some people seem to be to access to know the objective truth to everything).

I have to say that when I read what he had to say about people like me, my heart sank. Maybe after all, despite all my efforts to stay honest, maybe my imagination is so strong that I make it all up or at least a great part of it. Yet, I have no personal interest in accessing the Akashic records or whatever they are. I am only mildly interested in past lives and the effect they could have on our present lives. I don't see the interest in knowing these facts, if they don't trouble someone's present life and stop someone from advancing in their path. Even then, I can tell it is not my journey, thousands of other people would know more what to do with healing that kind of ailment then me.

All I do, that is easy for me, is to be in contact with souls of any kind. Is it subjective? Oh yes it is! There is absolutely nothing objective and 100% guarantee in it. But human beings don't even know themselves, how am I supposed to know them? We are a moving see of emotions and we usually are never aware of our deep oceans and what lives in the deep waters of our mind and being.

How could I know better they they do about themselves? Am I only accessing parts of their subconscious? and not really angels?

I don't know. All I can tell is that there is a different state of consciousness to a person and I have contacted many different layers of it and I have even talked with the "super self" of some people, that part of them that is exactly like them but has a wide vision of things that is not clouded. Yet sometimes their languages eludes me.

I have always loved learning languages, all my life, and already at 8, I remember going to the few still existing pavilions of the Universal Exhibition in Montréal, and bought my first language method at the Chinese pavilion which, unfortunately, was almost the only one still really active. It was a very bad book and it took me years to understand why i couldn't learn Chinese with it. It just was not very well done, especially not for a child. So all I ever learned to say was "hello".

My thirst to learn languages had barely started though. I wanted to be able to communicate with all around me and it made me study many languages. Most of them never left the beginner's level and some I have completely forgotten and all I had left were notebooks filled with my writing and words or alphabets that I couldn't even understand anymore.

That easiness I have to learn a new language has always fascinated me as I can grasp early concepts at a very fast speed. Learning vocabulary and deep grammar has always been the problem. I learned many different alphabets from mine and even used to teach Cyrillic to a friend in school so we could communicate using that code while being bored in class. Thankfully teachers didn't speak Russian and had no clue what we were saying.

All that, to come to the conclusion that all my life, right along with my thirst for knowing the meaning of everything, my other commitment was to be able to communicate with the world. Be able to approach anyone and speak in their language. Lack of practice made me lose one language after another and I can barely say I speak or understand Italian anymore and I still need close-captioning to watch anything in English.

This attempt to communicate through languages has failed and I will probably never be the polyglotte I dreamed to be as a child. The only language I seem to connect to that goes beyond words is the one that lives raw and deep inside of us. I seem to be able to help people decipher their emotions, bring to the surface the turmoil and per chance to be able to help them find their own understanding of it.

What I do is all subjective. There is nothing less objective, as emotions keep changing and move and stir. So when I contact an angel for someone, I don't really care who I am really contacting and a part of me understands it is not important as long as it means something meaningful to them, Is it the super ego? All I know is that sometimes, who I contact will give me a name or a source of where they come from and they do so, so I or the person I do it for, understands.  I don't believe they tell me everything. They tell me what is essential. Sometimes, I even hear them talk tongues I have zero idea what it means, like a language that transcends words.

I have seen people use their intellect to get to the universal knowledge, hey, I even was one of them once in my 20's, all proud of my thinking brain, picking at every tiny details of life and now I realize all this bores me to death. I don't want to know so much anymore. I accept I am too small to get it, even if I tried. I don't care if I heal with a placebo effect or the real deal, if I contact the objective Akashic records or the messy unobjective meanderings of a mind. What I am looking for is results. Does it work? Can people feel better? Did they found something inside them that made them a better person or feel better in their bodies? And if I stirred difficult emotions, did I help them find peace?

These are my only contentions anymore. Maybe this is why I don't feel I belong in medium circles. the New Age aspect of what I do doesn't interest me very much anymore. I am not interested even in the how it works or even the why. More it goes, I just want it to become as simple as possible and I don't care if the messages were to use children's words to do so and basic easy example and metaphors to help people find their ways. Didn't Jesus do the same? Always making parables, so the illiterate could understand big concepts they wouldn't even start to understand otherwise?

I am not interested in the complicated anymore. The simpler, the better. I am not sure I quite grasp this change inside me yet, because for those who know me, they know how much my quest for knowledge has been a counterpoint to everything I did all my life.

I am deeply grateful to both my parents who, even if they live hundred of miles apart and don't talk anymore, had both the amazing timing to share their insight on life with me, back to back, one on Friday, the other on Saturday. That, added to the simple life I discover Edgar Cayce led, I am hoping I will find my way too in a manner that best suits me and that brings the best I can out of people.

That man I told about earlier (sorry his name eludes me, I didn't feel it was important last night to commit his name to memory and I find myself not remembering who he was) said that many people think they are contacting Edgar Cayce and were not. that most of it was wishful thinking. If my wishful thinking makes me so happy and gives me that feeling of deep love and discover parts of my being that used to scare me that I now want to embrace, I don't mind calling it that, an active imagination.

Ultimately, the one thing I feel, that seems unwaveringly true, is that we are all one. Him. Me. You. All little bits of mirrors spread all over and we can't seem to remember we belong to the same image and if we do, we can't even seem to agree on what the image really is. So whether or not I am contacting the real soul of Edgar Cayce or my thinking of what it would be, it doesn't really matter in the end as, as long as I contact an aspect of the mirror, I contact all of it at the same time, the vision of it might be adapted to who I am, but why shouldn't it be? How else would it make an impression on me? Maybe this is the way they speak to us too?

I am on 4 hours of sleep today with a whipping records of maybe 14 hours of sleep in the last 4 days. So I apologise if this is winded and makes little sense. I have smiled many time at the idea that Edgar Cayce was called the sleeping prophet and that since I feel he is around I don't sleep. I was told this morning that resistances are trying to leave the body and it makes it very difficult to sleep. I can tell they are leaving at a very fast pace as even me, reading this, I have a hard time believing this is still me.