Living up to the challenge

(To the song: On the 12th day of Christmas)

On the next day of bloating my body gave to me:

More tiredness

more bloated armpits

and a feeling of inaptitude.

I realize how increasingly difficult it is becoming for me to make my daily date with this blog. Before I started this, nothing was happening in my life. Everything was at a stand still. You could hear the air moving. Now too much is happening and I can't even start figuring out everything.

I feel I am in a Joss Whedon movie and that when I have a chance to get what I want something happens to make it impossible.

I have been wanting to see my family and friends for over 4 years and now that I could have a chance to go, I find myself unable to because I know I need to take care of all this inspiration. I can't even imagine I have to put it on wait when this is all I wanted for so long.

I also feel like a juggler who has to juggle with different materials at the same time. A pot, a flame, a knife, a ball etc...

My inspiration can't limit itself to one topic. Everything is pouring at once. My mind is overloaded with information from various sources and can't keep up. making me feel inept to live up to the task.

After writing 28 pages in less then a few hours I got more ideas for another complicated novel I have been working on for 25 years. The one that was my unsolvable puzzle. Finally getting, after all that time, the final plot. The one I could never find. That eluded me.

I also feel messages pilling up in the back of my mind that I am not transcribing because I don't have time to or the energy to. I am so exhausted. I feel like this busy Hollywood producer who has to tell angels and guides to wait in the sitting room until I can get to them.

I am not sure I have my priority straight either. I write what I know will disappear if I don't. And leave the messages be because I know they won't go away and won't disappear. But am I doing the right thing here? I have been wanting to communicate with them for so long, it feels wrong to make them wait like I am some big shot with more important things to do.

This is the biggest, highest tsunami wave of inspiration I have ever had in my entire life. I obey it, because I know this is right, this is what must be. But in the end I know the same drama will happen. When all is done. When the novels are written, the messages given to their rightful owners, what will become of me? How will I survive with that?

That wave has a bittersweet taste as it has the flavor of happiness and the flavor of what's to come at the same time which makes it not as fun.

I can only pray I have the strength to go through it and that when the end arrives solutions to my fears will present themselves.

I'll try to be nice to myself, meanwhile, and get something to eat. The show must go on, but a nice pause will be dearly appreciated!