Early during polarity class I remember having a dream. One of the two dreams in my life I felt had anything to do with my medium abilities. I tried to go back in my notes to make sure I would have the first one right. But it seems to be a recurring thing with me, if it has anything to do with something really important and medium related... I won't write it down!
So I'll have to trust my memory, which I don't really, as I can tell that I deform old things a lot. So instead of going in details, I'll give the gist of it.
The night before my dream, my medium friend had a trance for me and told me through her guide that I could make roll the energy in my hands. A very strange way to say things, even in French. It was basically an introduction for me to accept who I was and was a very touching encounter. Later that night I learned my cousin had died prematurely in his early 40's. A cousin I always loved a lot even though we lived far apart.
That night, in the dream, I was trying to pick up the phone and tell my husband my cousin had died, but the phone kept slipping and everything in the room was swirling and attracted to the center of the swirl. I could tell it was somehow me who was doing it and that I couldn't control what I was doing. The swirling was so intense it scared me a lot. It felt like those horror movies.
The other dream I had, many years after, was me in a strange house where entities there were really bad. I had zero idea what to do and started shouting:" You shall not pass" in the same tone Gandalf did in Lord of the Rings. I am usually a sweet person who doesn't shout a lot. I can get angry in real life, but never have I had this kind of energy coming out of me. The bad entities disappeared and I felt I was this powerful light force in my dream that I could vanquish any bad.
Now, I am not saying that I can make things swirl or that the power of my voice could stop bad people in real life, but I think those dreams were also a way to show that there is more to me, underneath the surface, then I think.
Which brings me back to labeling myself, thinking all I can do is bring messages to guide. I think it comforts me, for now, to think it is small and contained. That if it is only that I can say yes to it. I feel ok as long as I have a delimited frame around the task.
And this is where life surprises me sometimes. My novel is all about that and I didn't realize it because it's a metaphor. It has nothing to do with mediums, but there is a theme in there of a fear to cross boundaries, a fear to accept the vastness and the passion. No wonder I felt the need to write and write about this novel. I have the need because it heals me at the same time. It helps me slowly accept to open myself to a realm of possibilities that still scares the hell out of me.
Maybe I really need to learn to be nicer with myself and accept that when I label things in my life there is a reason for it. As long as I am aware and don't hide and refuse that there might be more, I have a chance someday to actually accept the wholeness of the gift instead of crumbs here and there.
Edit: I had to edit this and add something that just floored me. I made a character in a game and her name is tiny windmill. I had zero idea why I called that character that. Just liked the sound of it. In the light of that swirling dream, where basically I was making whirlwinds in the room, it makes me smile a lot. Life is a wonderful thing when you see that everything is weaved so perfectly and so tightly, even unbeknownst to you.
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