The one thing that makes me feel like this is the amount of energy that can come from my body when I let it. The few times I have let that energy flow almost without bounds, it made me feel it could accomplish what we would call miracles. It also let me to believe, younger, that if I was different that way it must be that I was better. But the more I studied, the more I met other people I realized this is just our normal state. I might just have access to it easier then others sometimes but I am in no way different than anyone else in that regard.
Feeling so much through my hands when being in contact with someone is something I haven't mastered yet. My teacher didn't know what to do with that aspect of me either. I kept most of it quiet in class but still had to share a lot of it as it was too overwhelming. Most of my teachings had to come through higher channels and get help from guides and angels as I couldn't find any source in any books.
The fact that my vibrations are also very high is something I have very little control over. A friend who knew how to calculate energy with a pendulum showed me how to do it. Mine was not even fitting the scale that was predetermined by those who made the charts. It was so high I had to make my own charts to track it down.
Many times was I in disarray waking up in the morning and feeling "weird". I would be slightly dizzy for 3 days at a time feeling like the world was spinning a little more faster. First time it happened I almost went to see a doctor as I thought I had a problem with my ear of something. But I learned to understand this. Every time it happens the energies are going up and my vibrations are being elevated to access different spheres of understanding. Once it was to be able to "see" (not with my eyes, but an inner vision) parts of a world that is way beyond my understanding, like a kind of hospital of light where souls seem to go when they die and need time to recuperate.
This yo-yo state of energies going up and down was very stressful for the body. Ideally I should have stayed as high as I could to not have to live through the yo-yo effect of going up and down. But I kept resisting it and refusing it and leaving that state.
My father, who also has some gifts, told me when I was younger that he saw how powerful the world of light can be. That if you choose to go on that path it is almost excluding everything else.
At 20 something, that statement scared me very much as I was attracted to the light but needed desperately to fit in.
His choice had been to relinquish his powers, his talents to help sustain our family financially.
But, if anything, when he helped me when I thought I was going crazy and put his hands around my head cleaning my aura and re-balancing the energies, I could tell that all his powers were still present, even though he had decided not to use them on a daily basis. I don't know to this day what he did to help me. But honest to God, everything negative in my head was gone.
The essence of who we are doesn't change whether it is used or not. Mine had been clouded but not erased, and his had only been dormant till he needed it.
I think, in his own way, my father got scared when he was young and dabbling with white magic. Meeting with a dark magic user, they had a sort of energy match wondering who would win. Seeing how powerful those energies were he quit and this is probably what led him to believe that you need to devote your whole life to the path of light and almost forgo any normal life on the side. With a family to take care of I understand his reluctance.
Like my father, I have touched the world of light and saw how much you need to devote to it. It is not a religion, it is not a vain exercise to see how good I can be. It is a way of life that changes everything once your embrace it totally.
That choice is a choice I haven't made yet.
I have flirted with it, but never committed to it.
To make the experience of God, of deep spirituality, you do not need to be a medium. Any human being can aspire to it. It is not exclusive. To decide to stay in it, to live in it every day, this is a vocation and I can tell that accepting the gift of being a medium also means that I can't live cut away from the main source of energy. It means I have to accept God and all that it means.
The last entry in my diary is dated 2 years ago. I never wrote since then and it was the day of the most powerful experience I had had with God in my entire life. Roughly translated this is what I wrote:
"I'm living the experience of God and it is wonderful. It began simply, having only a few happy moments for a few seconds, happening without any straining or force. They kept getting longer and staying longer. I was putting my hands on my heart to send some tenderness and love. Then I started to meditate. And to feel God. No barriers between me and that energy. It lasted a little less then a week like this till this morning.
I felt Elnersia (my angel), fluid and multicolored. We were One. She told me my vibrations had become very high and that I could feel her in her original state (which had nothing to do with the feminine presence she took to calm me down). Then Chickotee (my guide), a beautiful earthen red color. Then Jesus (gold). Then God. I was vibrating everywhere. I was in adoration, It was so magnificent, so beautiful."
So if it was so beautiful, why did I stop?
I remember that state. I remember how it was hard to come back. I didn't want to. I wanted to stay there. I was shocked by the discrepancies between this intense spiritual state and normal life that had so little of it in it.
That difference between the two worlds made it hard for me to go back. It almost felt like a drug. For a little everything seemed wonderful and perfect and then I was shoved back in a world that made little sense to me. Where I felt even more different and where I felt I belonged even less and less.
Mixing the two worlds and being able to feel at ease in both easily is not something I have been able to do yet. I know it is possible as some spiritual master are doing it. I just haven't found my own way yet.
I also think that having suffered so much, happiness is a hard thing to accept. Light is almost blinding now after all that time. My brain is afraid to let go and let the heart expand. It's afraid to relinquish the control it had to find to survive in hardship.
All this makes meditating very difficult for me these days. I know that as soon as I let the dam open. As soon as my heart can drive and my brain takes the passenger seat and enjoys the ride, everything will come back rushing with no leash. Learning to make baby steps in this is very important. Relearning tiny things.
Yesterday, for example, my husband had a very upset stomach. Almost without thinking too much, as an old reflex, I put my hands on his belly and it went away. Nothing miraculous there. Just the action of polarity in the body making the energy flow better, but for me it was a small step already. Accepting to put my hands, feel and help.
I really want to learn to not be so scared of the nature of what is inside me. We are made of energy and part of my fears are based on ignorance. We do not learn early enough how to deal with our own energies so for many it needs to be done later, with the help that is available. Often are we left by ourselves because we don't know who to turn to for advice.
A few years ago I used to pray to be sent a master to show me the way. I had many, many different guides who showed up. I basically shut them off one by one refusing the help of invisible being, only wanting a real person to accompany me in this. But as I prayed some more only more guides where showing up. Never a human one.
I think that if I really want a master and help with this, accepting the connection will have to be done. I am not ready yet, but I feel that at least I am considering it, which for now is a huge step forward!
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