The reluctance in healing

I haven't said much about healing yet. Somehow I think that this aspect of me is even less ready then mediumnity is.

Being hypochondriac is not really what makes it a reluctance, more an irony. You'd expect someone who can heal to be at ease with their own health and body, and instead it has been a struggle for me.

It basically is a fear of not being able to accomplish what I came to do on time.

I am sure that if there is a scale to measure hypochondria I am not very high on it. It is not debilitating but causing a lot of unnecessary anxiety. I even went as far, once, as to go to the hospital and have a tube inserted in my throat because I was sure I was choking on a piece of grape that had been in my oesophagus for 3 days. They didn't find anything and I felt really stupid to have wasted their time and mine on what was obviously just stress.

Stress does terrible things to our mind and body. I have seen first hand how they change depending on the level on anxiety.

Hypochondria is something that is part of me and I have to be very careful not to let it reign my life. The good thing is that it made me practice healing a lot. I had all kinds of tiny ailment that almost required daily care. Things that came and went and made me feel their only purpose had been for me to practice healing them.

Hypochondria not being the reason of my reluctance I wondered if feeling too much was.

But the truth is that before I stopped healing I was getting a lot better at not being so overwhelmed by people's emotions. I had my routine before doing any healing and was protecting myself and succeeding most of the time in not taking anything of the person I was healing inside me.

My angel told me in our first conversation that I was a "Feeler" and that feelers feel everything around them and it's very hard to make the difference between the "me" and "the rest". Many time have I felt bad all day to only realize that these were not my emotions but someone else's. I had the fortune to met another Feeler who was exactly like me and overwhelmed by what he could feel in others. It helped me understand that this was not necessarily a bad thing.

Being able to feel people's feeling like if they were mine gave me a great understanding and compassion for what they were going through and sometimes couldn't verbalize. But it also made my day to day life a hell until I learned how to deal with it. I used to be a chameleon who would sponge everything around me with no rhyme or reason and it took a long time to start feeling limits between me and the exterior.

So if it's not hypochondria or feeling too much that made me stop healing, what was it?

The fact that I am over eager generous and always wanting to help has made me attract people who need me to take care of them and help them all my life. I have done it unconsciously for over 30 years and eventually I think the whole system broke down. I started having crisis similar to contractions where I would be extremely angry and not want to help again. I would go back, because I can't help it, it is my nature and would get angry again.

Eventually it all came out and I had so much anger that it completely stopped. I refused to help until I could put my own limits. Until I could find my comfort zone. I know I came here to help and it will come back but for a while it needed to come to a complete stop to evaluate my own needs.

I have taken care of myself now for a bout 2 years. I have tested my limits and learned a lot about my need to help and how I need to fulfill myself before giving to others. Even though I am getting better at it, more open to the fact that the day will come when I can heal again, I am still not ready.

I am getting closer but not completely there yet.